


From the Ashes

by Teague



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotions, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Medium Burn, Not Your Typical Memory Loss Fic, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:12:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5737954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teague/pseuds/Teague
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, it's the two of them who bring down Snoke. When the smoke clears, Kylo Ren is dead and Rey meets Ben Solo for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Past Life

It wasn’t until Ben Solo opened his eyes that Rey realized what had been lost. They were in Snoke’s lair, his evil finally vanquished, but in those last moments, something had happened. Rey remembered a flash of blinding light emanating from the spot where Kylo Ren and Snoke had stood, locked in combat. When she came to, there was a shriveled corpse in Snoke’s place and the prone body of a naked man next to it.

When she saw the body, her heart filled with a choking fear and a terrible hope.  She raced to his side and turned him over so she could feel his heart and touch his face. But it wasn’t _his_ face, not that of Kylo Ren’s. The man had his features, his hair, his height and build, but the silver scar that Kylo had worn since their first duel was gone.

Rey didn’t know how long she held him, cradled to her chest. She didn’t know why she didn’t try to wake him, even as the walls of the cavern trembled around them. Except, that’s a lie, she did know. Even then, she had felt it. Something hadn’t been right.

Finally, hearing the footfalls and shouts of the Resistance fighters, she pressed her lips to his. They tasted like ash.

He began to stir just as Finn entered the chamber calling her name. The man in her arms opened his eyes and Rey’s hopes soared once again only to shatter when he twisted back from her embrace.

“Who are you?”

* * *

  _When Kylo Ren stepped foot on Dagobah, two months and a lifetime ago, the tip of Rey’s lightsaber was at his bare throat before the first words had even left his mouth._

_“The time has arrived, Skywalker.”_

_Rey felt Luke’s presence at the sound of his name. When she saw her Master at last, his face was guarded and his mechanical hand heavy on Rey’s shoulder._

_“At ease, Rey. I’ve been expecting him.”_

_Kylo Ren was unmasked and seemingly unarmed. Reluctantly, Rey withdrew her saber and looked warily at Luke and his former apprentice. Something passed between them, unspoken, and a shiver ran down Rey’s back. A question died on the tip of her tongue as she tried to find meaning in the exchange she had just witnessed. Luke turned to her before she could put anything into words._

_“This is our true purpose on Dagobah, Rey. You have learned a great deal in the past year, but you will need more than my guidance to get to Snoke.”_

_Rey stared at Luke in disbelief. “You intend to trust him? After everything—?”_

_“I have seen it, Rey. Snoke’s power is very old and Light alone cannot defeat him.  It must be done with both sides of the Force.”_

_“But what does he gain, Master Luke? Why would Kylo Ren wish to help us kill Snoke?”_

_From the corner of her eye, Rey saw the black robes of Ren stir toward her and she aimed her blade once more at Kylo’s neck. Her momentum was frozen by a careless wave of his gloved hand and Rey struggled as the Dark knight held her immobile. He regarded her carefully before turning his gaze toward Luke. Kylo’s eyes glittered with malice._

_“Because I have been training for this day since the Supreme Leader first came to me when I was a boy. Isn’t that right,_ Uncle _?” He spat out the word like a bitter fruit. “Isn’t that why you allowed your own blood to be taken by the Dark Side?”_

_Luke stepped forward and Rey felt the grip on her body dissipate. She fell to her knees as the implications of Kylo’s words sank in._

_“No, Ben, the Dark Side was always inside you. But perhaps you are truly Kylo Ren now.”_

_Kylo scoffed. “You know I wouldn’t be here if his teachings weren’t complete. The Supreme Leader would have sensed my intentions the instant I requested leave. No, he trusts me fully now. I’ve earned it.” He turned once more toward Rey. “But even with my abilities, the visions were clear. It needs to be both of us if we hope to end his reign and bring balance to the Force.”_

_Rey stood slowly, refusing to meet Kylo’s eyes. Hers were on Luke’s. “But why me, Master? Surely your powers are stronger.”_

_“It has to be someone with a pure heart,” Luke said. He looked older than she had ever seen him. “I was compromised the moment I allowed a child take on this burden alone. You understand now, why I had to go. If we wanted to succeed against such an ancient evil, Ben was our best shot. The Dark Side was already strong in him, but he needed to be consumed by it to infiltrate the First Order and reach Snoke. To stay would have hindered his journey.”_

_“Coward.” Kylo’s mouth twisted into a sneer. “You left because you couldn’t stand to see the consequences.”_

* * *

Rey and Kylo—no, _Ben_ —were evacuated immediately after Finn’s arrival with the rest of the Resistance. In the absence of adrenaline, the pain of Rey’s wounds had almost incapacitated her, but she managed to see that Ben was somehow unharmed. They were both very weak from the battle, all their energy sapped, and they were brought to the medical bay at once.

As Rey lay on the gurney, Finn’s hand gripping hers, Ben’s question echoed in her head. Who was she, indeed, without Kylo Ren?

* * *

 _They had 60 days until Kylo was expected back at Snoke’s side from the mission he had invented as an excuse to prepare on Dagobah. In those first uncertain weeks, he trained Rey under Luke’s watchful eye, testing her with Force assaults and challenging her battle meditation.  At the end of each day, Rey dragged her tired body back to her small shelter next to Luke’s as Kylo vanished into his shuttle without a word._

_During the third week, Luke was called back to the Resistance, now based on the planet of Lasan. The moment his ship disappeared from view, Rey’s mouth hardened and she went in search of Kylo._

_She found him near the remains of a hut that Luke said had belonged to a Jedi Master named Yoda. The surge of energy that she always felt when Kylo was near hit her harder than ever before and a sudden flash of fear stopped Rey in her tracks just two arm lengths away from where he stood._

_“Now the real training can begin,” he said, with his back still toward her. He was wearing the lightweight black robes he had adopted for Dagobah’s climate._

_“What’s that supposed to mean?” She tried to keep her voice steady._

_Kylo turned slightly. “That’s not what you came here to ask me, scavenger. You want to know about our bond.”_

_“Is that what this is?”_

_His lips pursed slightly. Rey felt the Force around them ripple and sway. Just as she took a breath in preparation to speak again, she heard it._

_‘Rey.’_

_The air in her lungs came rushing out as if squeezed by an unseen hand._

_“How? I didn’t feel you in my head.” His voice had just appeared in her brain with no warning, so unlike his previous invasions of her mind._

_“It wasn’t a probe. It was—it’s us. I think it began during our first meeting on Starkiller, when you pushed back. Something happened. A connection was formed. Like nothing I’ve read or heard about before.”_

_“Like the bond between Jedi Masters and their apprentices?” Rey had been feeling it with Luke, but only faintly in comparison to the draw she felt to Kylo._

_“No, those bonds are deliberately forged through hours of training and meditation. Whatever we have seems sudden and unintentional, yet completely reciprocal. I can no more block your mind than you can block mine. I figured that out when you wouldn’t stop thinking questions at me when I first arrived here.”_

_Rey ignored his jibe and raised a hand to her temple._

_‘Can you hear me?’_

_Kylo’s smirk gave Rey her answer. He was facing her now, eyeing her up and down. Suspicion prickled at the back of her neck._

_“Have you been eavesdropping on my thoughts?” There was an edge of panic in her voice that she hoped he wouldn’t notice._

_Kylo seemed to resist the urge to roll his eyes. “That’s not how it works. There has to be a real desire for the other person to hear.”_

_“And why haven’t I heard from you until today?”_

_He huffed impatiently. “The moment I realized what was happening, I made sure not to direct any thoughts at you. I wanted to research this first. The connection has gotten stronger on Dagobah from the purity of the Force on this planet, but I needed to wait until we were alone.”_

_‘You don’t trust Luke?’ His eyebrow quirked._

_‘I’m surprised you still do, Rey.’ After a moment, Kylo turned to face Yoda’s hut once more._

_“It’s not just a matter of trust. We need to use the element of surprise to our advantage when we face the Supreme Leader. The fewer people who know about this, the better.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you probably figured out, past events are in italics and telepathic communication is in single quotation marks.


	2. Spark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previous chapter has been updated to include the actual chapter 1 (now combined with the prologue). Go read that first!

Rey felt the ship dropping out of hyperdrive. They were probably approaching Lasan.

“Hang on, Rey. They’re going to fix you right up.” Finn squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him fondly.

She sensed Ben awaken through the Force and, before she could help herself, Rey reached out for him in her mind. He moaned quietly from behind the curtain that separated them.

‘Can you hear me?’

In the deathly silence that followed, Rey realized with an awful certainty that she would never hear from Kylo Ren again. She had forgotten how lonely her thoughts could be without him.

* * *

_It had happened slowly, yet all at once._

_Although they had sparred nearly every day on Dagobah, Rey had never allowed herself to truly appreciate Kylo’s mastery of the Force until after Luke left. It wasn’t just the way he twirled his training saber or blocked her assaults with a prescient ease. He was much more controlled now than he had been on the Starkiller Base, and unhampered by injury, yet there was still a swirl of dark emotion and unrestrained power around him as they fought. With their connection wide open, she could tell he was no longer holding back, as he had clearly been when Luke was present._

_But she was getting stronger, too, and more connected to the Light Side than ever before. Rey could feel it traveling through her with each punch and parry. She could feel the Dark power in Kylo’s every strike and deflection. The electricity that crackled between them had nothing to do with the clash of their practice weapons and everything to do with the energy that swelled at every contact. As days passed, the bond between them grew and grew, until their combat felt like choreography, a never-ending ballet that only paused for sleep and sustenance._

_By the fifth week, they were practicing side by side against a small troop of training droids that Kylo had managed to smuggle with him from the First Order. Kylo was taking his meals with her now, albeit mostly in silence, yet he still retreated to his shuttle every night. Despite her initial misgivings, Rey had grown comfortable in his presence and in their telepathy-enhanced conversations. They had progressed from sharing only words to trading images and emotions._

_However, during the minutes before drifting into dreams, she still wondered about his allegiances and motivations. His interactions with her were all business, but sometimes she thought his skin lingered too long on her own, his eyes dashed away too quickly, and his voice was rawer than it had any cause to be._

_It finally came to a head during the sixth week._

_“We’re going to try a new exercise,” Kylo said one morning, as they stretched under a gloomy sky. “Open yourself to the Force and direct your consciousness toward me.”_

_Rey crossed her arms and immediately regretted it. The swamp was especially humid and disgusting that day. She never thought she would miss the dry heat of Jakku but even sand was better than being covered in a slick of sweat all the time. Kylo’s naked torso seemed to mock her. She briefly wished she could forgo modesty and take her own bindings off._

_“Why is it you’re always testing my mind, asking to see my consciousness, and I never get to see yours?” Kylo had been training her to defend against mind probes, but she had never been able to replicate the counter-attack she had managed in the Starkiller interrogation room. He seemed to have strengthened his mental defenses against her and she found it profoundly annoying._

_‘Really, Rey?’_

_He had been testier than usual that morning and if Rey wasn’t so peeved herself she might have backed off. She saw his hands tighten into fists before he finally spoke. “Probing minds isn’t something to be taken_ lightly _, if you get my meaning. Unless you’ve changed your mind about becoming a Jedi?”_

_‘Nice try.’_

_Rey stepped closer to him, drawing herself up. “You’re dodging the question. There’s something you’re hiding from me. What are you so scared of?” She dared him to blink first._

_Kylo cocked his head, jaw clenching. “You really want to see? You really think you’re ready?” The wild look on his face made Rey want to shudder, but she refused to flinch from him. “All right, scavenger. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He closed his eyes, dark lashes fluttering against pale skin._

_For a moment, Rey just watched him breathe steadily. Then it hit her and every hair on her body stood painfully on end. A tremendous wave of fury and torment, sorrow and yearning, bitterness and doubt, swept over her and into her, into her lungs, into her heart, and through every vein and artery. It filled her nostrils with the scent of blood and burning flesh as horrific images flashed before her. Dead bodies piled high. Children cowering and entire villages aflame. The ugly festering of a self-inflicted wound. His uncle turning his back on him and the stunned look of betrayal on an old friend’s face. Undisguised fear in his mother’s eyes. The red glow of a lightsaber through Han Solo’s heart._

_Screams and cries for mercy rang in Rey’s ears. She tried to take a breath but gagged on the taste of it, acrid and stinging. Just when her knees began to shake and she thought she couldn’t stand it any longer, the emotions receded as suddenly as they had flooded her and she opened her eyes to see Kylo Ren’s mournful face and slumped shoulders. He grimaced and she could tell it was an apology._

_‘I wanted to wait a little longer until you had to bear it.’ He ran a hand through his hair and sighed._

_“In order to reach the Supreme Leader, we’ll need to mask you in the Dark Side. In order to defeat him, you may have to mask me in the Light.”_

_‘Is that what it’s like for you? All the time?’ Rey looked fixedly at him in sudden, blinding comprehension. He refused to answer and they both stood there awkwardly in the silence. She finally gave up, trying another tack._

_“Will I need to fight like this? Feeling that way?” It seemed impossible._

_“You shouldn’t, but it wouldn’t hurt to practice. It’s mostly a matter of getting you into his stronghold. Only Dark Force-users can enter in his presence.”_

_“And the Light? Is that what defeats him?”_

_Kylo paused almost imperceptibly. “It’s possible. The visions are difficult to interpret.”_

_“Why haven’t I seen anything of the future like you and Master Luke? I’ve spent hours meditating, but no visions have come.” She hoped she sounded curious instead of exasperated._

_“Have you asked Skywalker?”_

_“Of course. He said something about the Force ‘working in mysterious ways.’” They both scoffed at that. “Can’t you show me?”_

_He hesitated again and a sliver of dread pierced her. She tried to brush it away._

_‘Is it really that bad, Kylo Ren?’_

_His hands were on her shoulders now, and the Force thrummed through them. For the first time on Dagobah, Rey realized that Kylo was deeply afraid._

_“Yes, Rey. It’s that bad.” She thought offhandedly that this was the first time he’d said her name aloud. He spoke slowly, like every word was fragile._

_“In the visions, one of us always dies.”_

_Everything around them seemed to dim and Rey could only hear the rapid thumping of her own heart. She stared past Kylo into the forest, where some strange creature was prowling through the trees. She watched it paw at the ground and wondered if it could hear them, if it had watched the drama unfold. With a rustle of leaves, the animal disappeared into the mist and Rey came back to herself, grounded by Kylo’s touch._

_“It’s me, isn’t it? That’s why Luke wouldn’t show me.”_

_Suddenly, his arms were enveloping her. Rey choked on a sob before she even realized that she was crying and pressed her face against him. The heat of his body overtook her and somehow made the moment all the worse. Rey didn’t want to think about why._

_“The future isn’t written in stone.” Kylo’s words rumbled through his chest and she let them reverberate inside of her. “We are going in there together and we are leaving_ together _. I promise you.”_

_‘We will find a way.’_

_When Rey lifted her head, she couldn’t help but feel herself falling into the warmth of his eyes, bright and fierce in the morning fog. When he looked at her with so much determination, she couldn’t help but have hope. And when his gaze finally dropped to her lips, she couldn’t help but raise herself on her toes to meet him in a kiss._


	3. Combustion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Hope this will live up to the newly added sexual content tag.

_Growing up on Jakku taught Rey everything she knew about the pangs of hunger and the desperation of thirst. But kissing Kylo was like nothing she had ever felt before. His mouth was the last drop of water under a blazing sky, the northern wind singing in the belly of a broken starship, the cool touch of nightfall on her sunburnt skin. Rey opened her lips to him and he devoured her with tongue and teeth. Her mind shattered at the need in it and she let herself sink into the meeting of their minds. Their connection burst open and Rey drank in his desire for her._

_When they finally pulled apart, breaths shallow and hearts racing, Kylo Ren looked at her like she was the brightest gleam of starlight in the entire galaxy._

* * *

She heard Ben coughing and the brisk footsteps of a nurse.

“Where am I?” His voice was low and hoarse.

“Med bay, on a Resistance ship. We’re about to land at the base. What’s your name, sweetie?”

“Ben. Ben Solo. Are my parents here?”

There was a pause. “You’re Ben Solo. The General’s son?”

Rey saw the expression on Finn’s face and she tugged at him urgently, shaking her head. He looked questioningly at her but kept his silence. They both strained to listen to the conversation on the other side of the curtain.

“Ben, what’s the last thing you remember?”

He coughed again. “Uh, I had just left the Academy after seeing Uncle Luke. I had a mission to Dantooine. There was—I think someone was in pain. I saw a bright light and then—a face, I think. My head doesn’t feel so great.”

“Here, take this with some water.” Rey heard him gulp it down. “We’re going to have the doctor examine you and let the General know you’re here. Get some rest in the meantime. We’ll be moving you shortly.” There was a rustle of bedsheets before the nurse left. In the distance, Rey heard the buzz of a comlink. “Doctor? We have an incoming patient with possible head trauma from Operation Daybreak. Human male, no visible physical injuries, but—he says he’s Ben Solo.”

* * *

_It didn’t take long for her to kiss him again, slower this time and gentler. When Kylo sucked lightly at her bottom lip, Rey let a moan escape from the corner of her mouth. He hitched her up against him and her legs automatically wrapped themselves around his waist. She felt him carry her in the direction of his shuttle, his stride long and sure. With a whoosh of climate-controlled air, they were inside and Rey absently realized why he always spent the night there._

_Kylo tried to lower her gently onto his bed, but she refused to let go and pulled him down with her. He growled as he angled himself against her inner thigh and she gasped at the trail of hot kisses down her neck._

_“Show me,” he said, and she stripped off her clothes for him piece by piece. Every inch of skin uncovered was worshipped by his mouth until she came flying apart around his fingers, beneath his tongue._

_For a minute they just gazed at each other wearing matching grins, stroking hair and caressing skin. Finally, Rey reached for him, pushed the trousers off his hips, grasped him shyly with her hand, and watched the awe on his face as she took him in for the first time. There was a flash of pain but then she was so full with him, as if that was exactly where he’d always belonged. Kylo rested his forehead on hers and she thought she could see the constellations in his eyes. Then he started moving and Rey completely lost her head._

_Neither of them could last very long, their bond overwhelming them with sensations until Rey couldn’t tell where she ended and he began. Foreign sounds filled the air, slaps and whimpers and the bed creaking beneath them, and when she said his name it was in a breathy whisper that neither of them had ever heard before. They finished together with a quiet sob and a strangled cry, clutching each other as the waves of climax crashed over them. Rey never felt so complete._

_She teased him afterward for letting her sleep in a miserable swamp for all those weeks and he looked so abashed that she was compelled to kiss him breathless, her fingers ghosting over the scars that she had left on him in a snowy forest so far away. They slept tangled together in his bed that night and for every night they had left on Dagobah, minds and bodies brushing in their dreams._

_The remaining weeks were a blissful blur of fighting and fucking. They trained every morning and spent the hot midday exploring each other in the comfortable sanctuary of Kylo’s shuttle. In the afternoons and evenings, they trained again and bathed together and bickered about the future as if it would all still exist. In the darkest recesses of her heart, Rey thought it was too good to last, a star burning too brightly, but she felt so lucky to be experiencing it at all, to be feeling so alive even if the end was coming for her._

_On the final evening, Kylo and Rey took it slowly. For hours, they touched and teased and savored and blocked out all the burdens of tomorrow. When he came inside of her, Rey hummed her happiness into his throat._

_During the tender moments after, Rey measured time with the slowing of his heartbeat as he held her, made a wish with every rising of his chest, and told him all her secrets without speaking. That night, their dreams were serene, a golden sunset and the dance of vivid colors against an endless black sky._

_Early the next morning, Rey woke to the fearsome sight of a fully armored Kylo Ren, his gloves in his hands and his grandfather’s lightsaber at his side._

_“Were you watching me sleep, Dark Lord?” She batted her eyelashes and he caught her bare ankle to tickle the sole of her feet until tears of mirth streamed down her cheeks. But his guard was up; Rey felt it, the rage and sadness roiling again inside him. They prepared for battle without another spoken word, exchanging instead happy snippets of the past and wisps of warm feelings through their shared bond._

_At last, Kylo plugged in the coordinates to Carrivar. Rey felt the now-familiar pull of hyperspace, her heart heavy. As he maneuvered the ship, she memorized the elegant flow of his robes and the reflection of dashboard lights on a mask that she had once so despised. Before opening the shuttle door, Kylo revealed his true face to her again, drawing her to him for a kiss that made Rey’s soul sing. She didn’t want the moment to ever end._

* * *

She felt Ben slip under again, no doubt from the sedative that the nurse had given him, and a part of her was relieved. Finn bent down to her ear, his breath hot on the side of her face.

“Rey, what is going on?”

“It’s a long story, Finn.” She was incredibly tired all of sudden and Finn seemed to sense it. “But you have to know that he isn’t dangerous. Not anymore. Promise me you won’t say anything.” After one last glance between the drawn curtain and her best friend’s trusting face, Rey let herself slide into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO WHAT DID YOU THINK? This was a bit tame, I think, but we're just getting started. Also looking for someone I can bounce ideas off of regarding characterization of Ben and Rey in upcoming chapters. Let me know if you're interested!
> 
> BTW, I cleaned up the tags. Will continue adding as the story progresses. This fic might end up longer than the current estimate, just FYI.


	4. Smolder

When Rey opened her eyes, Finn was gone and she was in a private room in the Resistance base’s medical wing. Luke sat beside her. He smiled and asked how she was feeling.

“Fine. The bacta did its job.”

‘Rey, how are you really feeling?’ His words appeared in her mind and she felt irritated at the intrusion. Was everyone suddenly a telepath?

He laughed out loud at that, startling her. Rey realized she must have sent the thoughts into his head.

“I’m sorry about that. I forgot we didn’t use telepathy while you were training. Perhaps that was a mistake. I wanted to take it slow introducing a Force bond after everything you went through, but I see that Ben taught you well.”

She glared at him. “Kylo Ren, actually.”

“Yes, I suppose it was Kylo Ren.”

Hearing Luke speak his name made Rey’s lower lip quaver and she had to blink back tears before she could grab hold of the anger again. But it was there waiting for her, dark and raw and jagged, so she leaned into the feeling.

“Did you know he would do that?”

Luke’s tenor was maddeningly calm. “Do what, Rey?”

“Take my place.” Rey’s vision blurred and she resisted the urge to wipe her eyes in front of him. She heard Luke sigh heavily.

“No, that didn’t become apparent until later, after I had already returned to the Resistance. The future was always in motion, Rey. What I saw for certain that it would take a genuine sacrifice to rid us of Snoke’s evil.”

“And you just assumed that would be me, then, your sacrificial bantha? Am I supposed to feel honored? I can’t believe you kept it from me.”

“I’m sorry, Rey. I thought it would be better if you didn’t have to carry that with you.”

She exploded.

“Me? Did you know how much pain _he_ was in, all those years under Snoke? The things he was made to do? How much he ached and hurt? How much he loathed you for not protecting him?” She could feel the wrath taking over her body, filling her up with its bitter heat. “It was an endless torture for him to have to be that _monster’s_ right hand, all for your _stupid_ endgame. And you didn’t even stay to help. How could you walk away from your own nephew? Your family?”

They were both crying now. Rey dug her nails into her palms and willed the tears to stop.

“You’re right. I left because I was weak. I loved them, Rey. So very much. When I saw how much this path would cost them, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay and face the weight of their suffering, even when I knew the other options could only be worse. Even when I saw that this was for the greater good.”

“To _hell_ with the greater good,” she shouted, and the bedside table careened into the opposite wall, breaking into pieces. Rey burst into sobs and buried her head in her hands. She felt Luke’s arms around her and tried half-heartedly to push him away before finally yielding to his fatherly embrace.

“Oh, Rey. How great a price we have paid.”

When her breathing calmed, he cleared his throat gently.

“Leia wants to debrief with us, when you’re feeling up to it. No hurry.”

Rey wiped her nose and shook her head. “No, I’m ready now. Let’s get it over with.”

He stepped out to let her dress and they walked together to the command center. A protocol droid beckoned them into a small conference room. General Organa and Finn stood waiting.

“Rey, it’s good to see you well again,” said the General pleasantly, before turning a colder eye toward her twin. “Now, as thrilled as I am to have Ben back, would someone mind telling me what the hell happened? You asked me to have Finn lead a special task force to retrieve Rey on Carrivar and somehow completely neglected to mention that Ben or Snoke would be involved.”

Luke sent an apologetic look to his sister. “Ben asked me not to tell you, Leia.” He explained what had occurred on Dagobah.

“So, how exactly did they kill the bastard?”

Rey answered. “We used the Dark Side of the Force to enter Snoke’s compound. Kylo Ren taught me how to cloak myself in his energy so we could both get through the shield. I wore the robes of one of the Knights to disguise myself.”

“That explains why we had trouble entering at first. What did you do to deactivate the shield?”

“Well, we had to destroy Snoke. Our plan was to use my battle meditation to help us overpower him together. It was an ugly fight. There were a couple of other Knights present and we had to dispatch them first. The meditation helped, until Snoke himself joined and then—it was like no other pain I’ve ever felt. We were so close, but then Snoke had me pinned with the Force and—” She faltered and Luke stepped in.

“The final blow had to be a selfless act by someone with pure intentions.”

“Ben.” General Organa’s eyes shone. “I knew there was still good in him.”

Finn didn’t seem quite as convinced. “With all due respect, General, he spent the last seven years committing unspeakable acts of evil. I don’t understand how he could have—”

“Because it should have been me.” Rey’s voice was small. She felt their eyes on her. “It was supposed to be me and he knew it.”

Luke put a hand on her shoulder. It was warm and steadying, and Rey thought maybe that was the only thing in the universe keeping her from falling apart. “In the end, despite all of his Darkness, Kylo Ren sacrificed himself so Rey wouldn’t have to. He did it intentionally and with full acceptance of the consequences. That was enough to defeat Snoke.”

“But Ben didn’t die, did he?” Finn wondered aloud. “He just lost the Ren part.”  
  
“I’m still trying to understand it myself,” Luke said. “His last memory is the mission to Dantooine just before he joined Snoke. Perhaps the power that eliminated Snoke also erased the product of Ben’s time with him.”

Even in her grief, something tickled the edge of Rey’s mind. She felt suddenly sure that Luke was wrong, but she couldn’t explain why.

“Well, whatever it was, I’m just grateful to have my son again.”

“Not a lot of people seem to know that he and Kylo Ren were the same person,” Finn said. “From what I’ve heard in the barracks, everyone thinks Ben died in the Jedi Academy massacre.”

“Well, he did, in a way. But now, as far as I’m concerned, Kylo Ren is gone and Ben Solo has been freed from years of captivity. Besides, there’s still a war on and we need all the help that we can get.” With a soft smile, General Organa turned to Rey, pulling her in for a fierce hug.

“Thank you for bringing him home,” she whispered. “He must have loved you very much.”

* * *

After being dismissed from the conference room, Finn steered Rey to the ‘fresher and she stood in the shower until it ran cold. Finn brought her to a private bunk in the barracks, where a plate of food was waiting. Under his watchful eye, Rey forced herself to eat it all, but she couldn’t taste a thing. He sat with her all day, rubbing her back as she remembered and wept and raged. If Finn was disgusted by what had transpired on Dagobah, he didn’t show it. He just listened until she talked herself hoarse.

When Rey woke up the next morning, she was seeing stars. A map of some sort? It took her a moment to realize that they were the coordinates. All the First Order bases in the Unknown Regions. She wasn’t sure how she knew or where the vision had come from. Had Kylo Ren hidden it in her brain somehow, through their bond? Why was it just manifesting now? Could this be a trap?

She searched her feelings and tried to seek answers from the Force, but it was surprisingly quiet. There was only an overwhelming sense of certainty. She immediately rose from bed, dressed, and headed to the command center to share the intel. Kylo Ren had passed the information on to her, she explained. It felt true, but her heart jumped into her throat at the mention of his name.

Rey was grateful to have something important to focus on and she spent the next two days helping Admiral Ackbar plan recon for a major offensive that they hoped would bring the First Order to its knees. All the specifics about the bases came to her, as if they had been buried in the shallows of her consciousness waiting to be discovered. Just as she was leaving on that second day, Rey saw General Organa storm out of the conference room. Luke appeared in the doorway, his left cheek redder than it had been the day they returned from Ahch-To.

“Is something wrong?”

“Not exactly. Would you like to go for a walk, Rey? I could use some air.”

She wavered, still wary of him, but sensed his need for her company. “All right. I’m not familiar with the terrain yet.”

Luke led her out of the base, which Rey saw was situated in an oasis at the edge of an expansive desert. They walked in silence along a trail near the stream, their path illuminated by the light from Lasan’s tiny twin moons. A month ago, Rey would have closed her eyes to soak in the breeze off the water and enjoy the croaking song of little creatures echoing from the banks. Now, she just felt disconnected, like a visitor in her own body.

“Leia and I disagree about how to handle Ben’s situation,” Luke said, out of nowhere.

Rey glanced sharply at her Master. “What do you mean?”

“As you may have sensed, it’s unlikely that Ben will ever regain memory of his lost years. Leia doesn’t believe he should be told about what occurred, about what he did as Kylo Ren. She wants a fresh start for him, understandably. But I think he deserves to hear the truth. Not all at once, of course, but slowly. Otherwise, he’ll go searching for answers, I’m sure of it.” He turned to look at Rey. “Leia will not listen to my thoughts on this matter, especially now that she knows the extent of my involvement in Ben’s turn.”

Rey looked out toward the dunes and the thousands of stars twinkling above them.

“It’s not really my business,” she said after a moment. “We don’t know each other. Not anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so humbled and astounded at the response this fic is getting! Thank you all so much for reading and for your feedback. I'm especially grateful to Fadelight and Deathbyhook for your insights!
> 
> Sorry for the wait between chapters. The next couple of weeks are going to be very crazy, so updates will only come once a week until things slow down. Thanks again for your patience!


	5. Rebirth

After the recon was planned, Rey busied herself with repairs to the _Millennium Falcon_ and practice formations with Red Squadron. For a few days, she kept forgetting to eat, until Finn finally intervened and told her she was getting “Jakku skinny” again. He threatened to tell Luke if she didn’t take regular meals, so she forced herself to go with the other pilots to the mess hall.

But it felt very strange to be eating in front of so many people and having normal conversations with Poe and Finn, as if she wasn’t missing a part of herself, as if she wasn’t a pale shadow of who she used to be. Occasionally a memory would appear to her out of nowhere—the warmth of Kylo’s breath on the crease of her hip, the feeling of their hands entwined, his gravelly voice first thing in the morning—and she would feel a burst of elation before falling into a pit of misery again. She started looking forward to falling asleep, because every morning she woke up with some new knowledge about him—that his favorite sunset had been on Naboo, that he had missed the lilt of his mother’s voice, that he had watched Rey nap under a gnarled tree on their second day alone on Dagobah. It was all she had left.

During the first week, Luke asked her to meditate every day, but she refused. Even when she was alone, Rey could no longer grasp the calm and peace she had learned to surround herself with over the past year. Being around Luke only made her more self-conscious. His composure was a splinter in her side, a cold reminder of the tranquility that escaped her now. So it was a relief when he revealed that he would be leaving for a mission. Rey hoped that she could regain her equilibrium in the weeks that Luke would be gone. Perhaps she could even forgive him.

It did get better, slowly. By the fifteenth day after the events on Carrivar, she had actually managed to stop crying in front of other people—i.e., Finn—for four whole days. But that was only if she didn’t count Chewbacca, who had surprised her in the maintenance crawlway two nights ago. Rey had blamed her sniffling on the dust, but his response sounded skeptical.

What was truly shocking, though, was seeing Ben Solo at the _Falcon_ ’s Dejarik table after lunch on that fifteenth day. Not even Luke had seen him since his return. According to the pilot grapevine, Ben was supposed to be holed up in General Organa’s quarters, either being deprogrammed from First Order brainwashing or undergoing intense psychological care for his torture-induced mental breakdown. Instead, he seemed to be mindlessly playing a game against himself, rather badly.

For a minute, Rey just observed him. He seemed out of place in his uncharacteristic clothes and tamer haircut, but he did look like a younger version of the Kylo she had known—healthier complexion, smoother skin, less angular face, and, of course, no scars. She realized with a jolt that Ben was probably around Finn's age, now.

If she was honest with herself, she had been waiting for this moment. She had wanted to be sought out by him, to still have some place in his life even if he didn’t know what she had shared with Kylo Ren. Rey forced herself to step forward and pasted on a smile.

“Looks like you’re losing.” She watched his yellow piece destroy his red one.

Ben looked up, brows furrowed. “I was never very good at this game. Chewie liked to win too much.” He turned it off. “Have we met?” There was no recognition in his eyes. He might as well have ripped out her heart.

“No, I guess we haven’t.” She swallowed thickly. “I’m Rey.”

“I’m Ben. You must be the one who got stuck with this old rust bucket.” He glanced around the cabin before settling back on her.

“It’s more Chewie’s, really.”

“Did you know my father well?”

This had been a terrible idea and Rey was sure she would vomit at any moment. The image of Kylo running his lightsaber into Han Solo’s chest came unbidden into her mind. She suddenly recognized the white shirt Ben was wearing as one of Han’s. Her stomach turned.

“We went through a lot together in a short period of time,” she managed say. “He was very kind to me.”

He seemed to be contemplating the now-bare table.

“The last time I saw him, he was teaching me to pilot the _Falcon_. It was right before I went to stay with Uncle Luke. I must have been nine or ten and I had been begging my father for years to let me fly her. That afternoon was…incredible. It was the best day of my life. I guess that was his way of saying goodbye.”

Rey cursed the tears that began to flow, her record broken again. She thought that maybe this shouldn’t count either, since Ben wore the face of a man who died for her. Her brain screamed for her to run to his side but all she could do was stand there uselessly, grease-stained hands clenched around two hydrospanners.

Ben cleared his throat roughly and stood without looking at her. “I should let you get back to work instead of talking about my dead father. See you around, Rey.”

* * *

True to his word, Rey started to see Ben everywhere after his first appearance on the _Falcon_.

On the sixteenth day after Carrivar, he was in the mess hall, eating lunch alone with a holobook. Finn and Poe seemed to deliberately steer her toward the farthest table away from him. They were talking louder and more animatedly than usual, but her gaze kept wandering back to Ben’s hunched shoulders and the way his hair fell over his eyes. Eventually, General Organa joined him and he seemed to light up a little in his mother’s presence. Rey couldn’t stop looking at his smile. How did it come so easily to him, that grin that she had fought tooth and nail to pull from Kylo Ren?

The day after, Ben ended up behind her in the line for spiceloaf.

“Hello, Rey.” He smirked at the three glasses of blue milk on her tray, looking so much like Kylo, and Rey’s heart nearly flew out of her chest. “You must have strong bones.”

“She has a strong right hook,” Chewbacca rumbled in Shyriiwook from behind them.

“Uncle Chew! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Ben’s hug took the Wookiee by surprised. Rey saw the conflict on the Chewbacca’s face, his hesitation, but a split second later Ben’s feet were dangling in the air as his father’s best friend squeezed him back.

“Your mother told me,” Chewbacca grunted. “It’s hard to believe you’re almost as tall as I am, little prince.” Rey could have sworn Chewie’s fur was a little damp under his eyes. She took her plate quietly and left the two to their reunion. The sound of joy in Ben’s voice hung in her mind all through dinner.

He was put on Blue Squad on the eighteenth day after Carrivar, which Rey suspected was due to Finn’s intervention, since Ben was the only newcomer not assigned to Red Squad that week. The recent victories against the First Order had been a huge boon for recruitment and the squadrons were taking turns leading the trainings to build their forces. After the week’s practice, even Poe admitted that Ben had some of his father’s talent.

“Not bad at all for someone who hasn’t touched an X-Wing in probably a decade,” Poe said to Finn when they thought that Rey was out of earshot.

Two days later, Ben was already in the mess by the time Rey arrived at lunch with her squadron after their flight holosimulations went long. When she sat down, he was trailing behind the rest of Blue Squad as they walked in the direction of her usual table.

“We’re playing Galactic Expansion tonight. Apparently Solo’s a fan.” Snap Wexley seemed a bit too gleeful at the thought. “You all should come.”

Ben’s ears reddened. Rey looked away quickly, staring into the rest of her stew. The only time she had seen Kylo Ren blush at all was in bed.

“Thanks for the invite, but Red Squad is training new recruits tomorrow morning. They’ll probably call it an early night.” Poe didn’t leave much room for argument. Finn seemed disappointed that he wouldn’t have a chance to watch the game, but Rey was thankful for the excuse.

On the twenty-eighth day after Carrivar, Blue Squadron regaled the mess hall with tales of the night before. Apparently someone had acquired Corellian whiskey and many drinks were had to initiate their newest members. Finn asked how Galactic Expansion turned out and Snap scowled, bleary-eyed.

“He’s just mad that Ben won,” Jessika Pava teased. Ben looked smug and Snap muttered something about unfair advantages under his breath.

In the next couple of days, Rey noticed that, although Ben still ate his meals slightly apart from his squadron, Jessika sat closest to him at every opportunity. When Finn saw her staring across the mess at the beautiful female pilot’s hand on Ben’s arm, he tried to assure her that he had heard from a very reliable source that Jessika was dating a lieutenant.

“Not that it matters,” Rey said, in what she hoped was a breezy tone, and changed the subject. She made a point to avoid looking at Ben for the rest of the day. She didn’t have any claim on him, after all. But then she remembered how Kylo Ren had looked at her, thirty days ago, and how hollow she felt every night since then, passionless and empty. It hurt to be around Poe and Finn, too, sometimes, to see echoes of herself and Kylo in their small exchanges of affection. All these reminders of what she had lost.

Rey felt even more restless than usual after that. She started going to the training room to work out her aggression and practice her staff work. The Force called to her, but she hadn’t seen the green blade of her lightsaber since Kylo died, and she was avoiding the forms and techniques that he and Luke taught her. Finn had the presence of mind to bring back both her saber and Anakin’s from the final fight, but Rey hadn’t taken either from Luke when he’d offered them to her prior to departing. It didn’t seem right, not when she still felt Kylo’s absence from the Force like a gaping wound.

On the thirty-second day after Carrivar, Rey was so caught up in using her fists against a punching bag that she didn’t notice Ben’s presence in the training room until he was nearly behind her.

“You’re dropping your left shoulder, Rey,” he said, and she spun around in surprise. Ben stumbled back, hit by a Force push that she hadn’t even realized she’d used. His eyes narrowed at her and she felt a swell of indignation.

“Don’t sneak up on me!” she sputtered, even as she glanced over him to ensure he wasn’t injured. His body seemed a little less broad than Kylo’s had been but still well-defined.

Ben made a show of looking her up and down. “So you’re not just a space jockey after all. I thought there was something different about you.” He seemed to deliberately crowd her space as he walked by to get to the training sabers. Rey stood rooted in her spot, fuming, before finally stalking out.

The next day, Ben was already working through forms when Rey arrived at her usual morning time. She walked past the training room without pausing. Apparently, it was time to change her schedule.

The pilots were given two days of leave before the final push to ready all squadrons for the assault on the First Order. Poe had invited Rey to join him and Finn on Yavin IV to see the other Damerons. She declined, saying that the _Falcon_ required her attention.

The truth was that Rey needed the silence and the distraction of tinkering with a ship more than the ship really needed fixing. So the panic that struck her on the second morning of leave when she didn’t see the _Falcon_ in the hangar quickly transformed into helplessness and a simmering rage that she allowed to overtake her when she was told that her ship had returned nearly an hour later.

Rey stood with her arms crossed as the entry ramp descended and two laughing figures stopped abruptly in front of her.

“Rey—“

“What made you think it would be acceptable to fly my ship without permission? Just because your father let you sit in the pilot’s seat _one time_ does not mean you can take her out for a joyride whenever you feel like it.”

Ben shook off Jessika’s pleading for calm and strode over to Rey, towering over her. She felt a sudden rush of heat through her body and glared up at him.

“I think you’ve been spending a little too much time under the hood, Rey. Perhaps it’s the fumes, but you seem to have forgotten that you told me this was Chewie’s ship now. If he doesn’t have a problem with me flying it, why should you?”

Rey felt herself reddening. Chewbacca had still been in his bunk when she sought him out earlier, and even she had known better than to wake a sleeping Wookiee.

“Maybe if you actually knew how to fly her properly. Look at what you’ve done to the sensor dish!” She gestured to the top of the ship.

Ben’s eyes flashed dangerously. Just as he and Rey both took a step toward each other, Jessika intervened.

“Stop it! Ben, we have breakfast with the General in fifteen. Come on, let’s get cleaned up.” Jessika pulled him away by the arm but not before shooting Rey a look that was equal parts apology, annoyance, and pity. Rey had no idea what to think of that. She spent the rest of the day fussing over the _Falcon_ and ignoring the traitorous part of her brain that was replaying an image of Ben’s hand on the small of Jessika’s back. It was ridiculous, really. She didn’t even _like_ Ben.

That evening, Rey welcomed Poe and Finn back from their short vacation. She didn’t realize how much she had missed their constant presence over the past month until she saw them again, hand in hand. Even that twinge of envy was pushed down as she embraced them both, BB-8 chirping cheerily at their feet. As she listened intently to Finn and Poe retelling their misadventures on Yavin IV, she felt someone’s eyes from across the mess. Casually, she looked around. Ben Solo was frowning at her from his usual spot at the edge of the Blue Squadron table. He raised an eyebrow when she met his gaze. Then, deliberately, he turned to Jessika Pava with a smile.

Rey never knew she could hate one person so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like my Ben Solo! I picture him something like therealmcgee's amazing [ Ben Organa Solo](http://therealmcgee.tumblr.com/post/137498841199/ben-organa-solo) art or [Adam Driver on the cover of GQ](http://gq.tumblr.com/post/136816260528/adam-driver-on-the-cover-of-gq-september-2014-do).
> 
> So much love for everyone reading, giving kudos, bookmarking, and leaving comments! Can't wait for y'all to see what's to come...
> 
> Thanks again to Fadelight for her amazing suggestions on this chapter and to Deathbyhook for all your insight!


	6. Reconnaissance

On the thirty-seventh day after Carrivar, Blue Squadron deployed for a five-day recon mission in the Unknown Regions led by Snap Wexley. Rey expected to feel relieved to have a break from Ben Solo’s existence. Instead, there was a knot in her stomach that she couldn’t explain. She wondered again if the coordinates that she had plucked from her mind weren’t planted there as a trap.

Her anxiety worried Poe and Finn, she could tell. On the fortieth day, Poe pulled her aside.

“Rey, how are you feeling?”

She was still baffled when her friends—she had friends now—showed concern for her. Rey was never sure how to react. “Fine. I’m fine. What’s going on, Poe?”

“Well, I wanted to ask you the same question. You were doing so much better in the last couple of weeks, but then I hear about you confronting Solo in the hangar during leave and you’ve been on edge since Blue Squad left. Is there something happening between the two of you?”

She almost busted out laughing at the preposterousness of the question. “Oh no, not at all. He just bothers me sometimes.”

There was a glint in Poe’s eye that Rey couldn’t quite identify. It made her feel slightly uncomfortable. “Yeah, he’s a little odd. Although it must be weird for him, right? Waking up one day and finding out that you’ve missed the last seven years?” He put a hand on her shoulder and smiled. “We’re here for you, you know that? _I’m_ here for you.” Poe lowered his voice. “I’m pretty far from Kylo Ren’s biggest fan, but if you ever want to talk about it…just say the word.”

Rey’s eyes watered and she couldn’t help but smile back. “Thanks, Poe. You’re a great friend.”

Somehow, Poe grinned even wider. “And let me know if the Solo kid gives you any trouble,” he said conspiratorially. “I know his commander.”

* * *

The conversation with Poe left Rey feeling as if she had been a little unfair to Ben. It wasn’t his fault, after all, that she was still reeling from Kylo Ren’s death. She resolved to be kinder if—that is, _when_ —he returned from recon.

On the forty-first day after Carrivar, Rey polished the same C-Beam lamp three times and reorganized her tool kit twice. She spent an extra hour in the holosimulator and went another round in the training room. By nightfall, she was exhausted and fell asleep watching an old holovid in Poe and Finn’s bunk.

She was awakened by a gentle bump from BB-8, who informed her that she was about to sleep through breakfast. Rey followed the talkative droid to the mess, where it quickly sped back to Poe, mission completed. In her grogginess, she found herself bumping into a very tall and solid mass. Ben grabbed her elbow to steady her. She wrenched it away reflexively.

“Oh, you’re back.” Rey kicked herself for stating the obvious. At least she was awake now. She reminded herself of her new conviction to be friendlier.

Ben smiled wryly. “Yeah, sorry to disappoint.”

“Er, no, I’m glad the intel worked out. We didn’t run into any trouble, did we?”

He tilted his head at that. “No, not a hint.”

She breathed out a sigh of relief. Half-crazed laughter threatened to bubble up from somewhere in Rey’s chest as the strange tension of the past few days evaporated. The puzzled expression on Ben’s face forced her to swallow her newfound mirth.

“Well, I should get something to eat.” He continued to stare at her and she shifted edgily, searching for something else to say. “Bye.” She ducked from his gaze and hurried away to grab some fruit. Rey supposed it could have gone worse.

* * *

On the forty-third day, Rey and Chewbacca were reprogramming the flight computer when they heard General Organa’s voice calling to them from the entry ramp of the _Falcon_.

“Chewie? Rey? Anyone home?

“We’re coming!” Rey dusted herself off and let Chewbacca pull her up from the floor. They met General Organa at the bulkhead door.

“I like what you’ve done with the place,” the General said. “It looks so much less grimy. Rey’s doing, I’m sure.”

Chewbacca let out a playfully indignant cry.

“Luke should be home soon. Will you two come for dinner when he returns?”

Rey stayed silent even as Chewbacca acquiesced readily. Month ago, she would have happily echoed Chewie’s sentiments. After Ahch-To, Rey had joined Luke and Chewbacca for dinner with the General at least once a week. Poe and Finn had even accompanied her on a few occasions. But that was before Kylo Ren came back into their lives. And before Ben.

General Organa was looking at Rey now, her face expectant but kind. “I owe you an apology for not seeking you out earlier. It has been such a tumultuous time with my son back and the Senate rebuilding. But that’s no excuse. I should have reached out to you. I’ve missed you, Rey.”

Rey vaguely remembered hearing that the General had been traveling to Eufornis Major on a political mission recently. She tried to shrug and smile, but General Organa would not be fooled and soon Rey was enveloped in the older woman’s arms. Tears pricked in Rey’s eyes.

“Of course, I’ll come to dinner, General.”

“You know you can call me Leia.”

Rey pulled away with a grin. “Yes, General.”

* * *

On the morning of the forty-fifth day, Rey felt a ripple in the Force during breakfast. She hurried to the hangar, where Ben and General Organa were already waiting. Ben gave Rey an inscrutable look when she arrived, but the General took her hand and squeezed it gently.

The shuttle door opened and Luke Skywalker stepped out. His eyes flickered over the three figures before him and his smile reached his eyes for what Rey thought might have been the first time.

“Ben, Leia, Rey. It’s so good to see you.” His sister embraced him and kissed his cheek. She gestured for her son to step forward, which Ben did with some reluctance.

“Uncle. Nice of you to come home.” He held out a hand to Luke, who seemed to consider it for a moment before hauling him in for a true hug. “Oof.”

“I’ve missed you, too, Ben.” Luke released his nephew and Ben stepped back stiffly.

“What’s with the beard, old man?”

“Ben!” Leia scolded, but Luke let out a bark of laughter. Ben’s attention drifted to a familiar droid exiting the shuttle.

“Artoo!” He abandoned his uncle and knelt down to meet the astromech. “Threepio has been unbearable without you.” R2-D2 let out a string of expletives in Binary and Ben chuckled. “Come on, let’s go find him and Chewie. You look terrible. What’s Uncle Luke been doing to you?”

Luke watched them leave and exchanged an amused glance with General Organa before turning to Rey. He seemed to sober upon observing her.

“Master Luke.” She nodded at him, not sure what else to say.

“Rey. We have much to discuss.”

* * *

After General Organa and Luke made the rounds to see C-3PO, Chewbacca, and the other Resistance members who were anxious to welcome him back, he asked Rey to join him in the sitting room of his quarters. She felt concern radiating off of her Master even before he spoke.

“You have not meditated.” It was not a question. “Rey, when you returned to us, I sensed a familiar Darkness in you. As if some shadow of Kylo Ren remained with you after his demise. Even today, it has not diminished.”

“Is it meant to, Master?” She could not imagine losing what little she still had of Kylo, the memories that came to her so clearly.

Luke looked thoughtful. “Two decades ago, I would have said that it must, that a Jedi could not proceed with such emotions and resist succumbing to the temptation of the Dark Side. But that was before I saw what was to come, how vital both Dark and Light could be to restoring balance to the Force.” He fixed his eyes on her. “But in your case, there is not yet balance. You are unfocused, Rey, and it weakens you.”

She hung her head. “I will try harder.”

He sighed and rubbed his left hand over his face. “I fear it will not be enough. We need you, Rey. The Knights of Ren have regrouped and are acting with impunity now that they are not answering to Snoke and their former Master. They are razing whole planets for plunder. And the First Order follows in their wake.”

Rey found that she could not speak. She had not felt the new disturbance in the Force until this moment. Bitterness filled her. What good was Kylo’s sacrifice when evil would still persist?

“Train me again. I will find focus, Master Luke. We will defeat them.”

He nodded. “We begin tomorrow. You and Ben both.”  
  
_Ben_. Of course he would fight as well. She felt a new wave of unease from Luke and was reminded of his nephew’s discomfort and caginess around him just an hour earlier. “He distrusts you.”

Luke bowed his head. “When Ben was put into my care, I tried everything I could to push out the Darkness in him. Every effort I made resulted in visions of a bleaker future for the galaxy. Yet every step he took toward the Dark Side brightened it. So after five years of futility, I let him go. I may have even directed him along, in a way. I allowed him the opportunity to develop his Dark abilities, to grow stronger. It wasn’t until later that I realized Snoke had been guiding him as well, in his head. Ben no longer hears Snoke’s voice, but he remembers the treacherous message.”

She thought once again about Kylo. “Did you know that we would defeat Snoke together even before you met me?”

“I didn’t see exactly who you were in the visions, but I recognized the Light in you when you found me on Ahch-To. It wasn’t what I wanted for you, for either of you. I tried everything I could to find an alternative. I consulted my father, Ben Kenobi, and Master Yoda, but none of them could see a better path.”

Rey was overcome with a sudden flash of inspiration. “Master Luke, has he come to you? As a Force ghost?” she asked urgently.

“Kylo Ren? No, he hasn’t.”

“Isn’t it possible he’s there, though? Like your father after he turned back to the Light. Master Luke, can you ask them?” Her heart was racing at the thought of it.

A strange emotion crossed Luke’s face. He paused before reaching out to her, taking her by the shoulder.

“No, Rey. I’m afraid he’s not there.”

* * *

The day passed in a fog, as most of the days since Carrivar had. Before Rey knew it, it was nearly time for dinner at the General’s.

She chose her outfit with more care than usual, deciding finally on a bright blue version of the vest that she had worn when she first left for Ahch-To. She let her hair down, remembering preparations for a celebration almost a year ago. General Organa had surprised Rey with a gorgeous gown from her own youth, a delicate little thing of silver satin and gossamer gray. They had spent the afternoon together in front of an old vanity, the General’s regal voice evoking the grand balls of Alderaan and imperial galas of Coruscant. Leia had brushed Rey’s hair so gently that the memory of it still made her heart ache. This must be what it felt like to have a mother, Rey had thought.

She was running late, probably the last to arrive, and she felt a rush of nervousness as she knocked at the General Organa’s quarters. Ben Solo opened the door and stood stock still for a moment before ushering her inside.

“Nice of you to join us,” he muttered as she passed him. Rey took the empty seat next to his at the large oval table and surveyed the group. The General was at her right and Chewbacca across from her. Luke sat opposite General Organa on Ben’s left. To her dismay, Jessika Pava was sitting between Chewie and Luke, across from Ben. Jessika smiled upon seeing them and Rey could not help feeling a small stab of irritation. She enthusiastically responded to Chewie’s offer of emerald wine. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Rey was feeling pleasantly hazy as she finished her dessert. The dinner had been much more enjoyable than she had expected. She had chatted with General Organa about her travels to Eufornis Major, relishing the General’s descriptions of its eccentric inhabitants. Chewbacca had recounted his own adventures on the city planet and other nearby Core worlds. Now, the Wookiee and the General were engaged in a spirited debate about the merits of the various Core cuisines.

Luke’s attention had been monopolized by Jessika, who seemed to never run out of questions for him. She sat rapt with attention as he explained his search for the first Jedi temple. Ben, who had been largely silent throughout dinner, seemed to roll his eyes with every story. Rey wondered if he was jealous.

“And how did you finally find…what was the planet called?” Jessika was nearly breathless with anticipation, to Ben’s clear displeasure.

“It was named Ahch-To,” Luke replied.

“ _Excuse you_ ,” Ben sneered under his breath. Rey snorted a little too loudly and he seemed startled to have been overheard. The people around them were too preoccupied with their own conversations to notice. Ben and Rey shared a small smile as Luke droned on. “He’ll be insufferable tomorrow. Are you dreading it as much as I am?”

Rey fought the spontaneous reply that the wine seemed to want to release from her. “No, I think it’s time. There’s so much to be done.”

He was quiet again. “Perhaps you’re right. The Knights of Ren won’t defeat themselves. A rather silly name though, don’t you think?”

A snicker escaped her efforts at control. “Absolutely. They’d be better off as the Knights of Convor.” She imagined squat warriors covered in bright yellow feathers.

“Knights of Trantor Pigeon,” Ben offered, grinning. His eyes glistened in the candlelight.

“Knights of Garbage Snipe!” A warm sense of triumph filled her as he had to stifle a laugh. The feeling stayed with her through the rest of the evening and all the way back to the barracks, until she fell asleep imagining birds in flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can't thank you all enough for your support of this fic. Hope you enjoyed this little respite from the angst!
> 
> Special shout-out to Deathbyhook (can't wait to see more of your own writing, BTW) and the amazing Fadelight, without whom my writing would be so much the poorer.


	7. Renewal

Rey shot up in her bed, ripped from slumber by a familiar voice. Master Luke was beckoning her. She peered out of her small window to see the barest glow of light on the horizon. Sighing tiredly, she pulled an old journal from under her mattress and added another tally to the back page. Forty-six days since Carrivar.

As she emerged yawning from her bunk, Rey saw another figure down the corridor fumbling with a brown sack. Ben looked just as thrilled as she was about the early hour.

“This is one part of Academy I do _not_ miss,” he grumbled. A slight jolt of surprise hit Rey as she processed his words. Kylo had always spoken scornfully of his Academy days.

She had no time to mull over this new thought, for Luke decided that his students were not moving fast enough and sent another telepathic communication to them.

‘ _Meet me outside_ ,’ Luke’s voice boomed in her head. She and Ben both winced. Rey was really starting to regret yesterday’s wine.

* * *

After an hour and a half sprinting up and down sand dunes, Rey collapsed next to a very sweaty Ben Solo on the bank of the oasis. Even this early in the day, the heat of the desert was unrelenting and Ben seemed to wilt under the morning sun. She tossed him a canteen and he threw her a Mandalorian orange in return, neither exchanging a word. Just down the way, Luke was meditating under a palm tree. After they took their short break, Rey and Ben joined him.

It took a moment for her to reach out to the Force, but once the connection was made it was like being greeted by an old friend. In her state of fatigue, Rey could surrender herself to the pulse of that powerful energy that had seemed so much fainter since Carrivar. She felt the splash of an amphibious creature in the water, the tiny fish nibbling at the smooth pebbles, the slither of a reptile across the sandy shore. She soaked up the serenity emanating from her Master and the faint buzz of people awakening at the base.

And then there was Ben. Before today, his presence was always just a niggling sensation in the Force, nondescript and emotionless, like the tickle of an impending sneeze or the itch of an errant hair. Now, however, she could feel pangs of frustration. Rey focused on him, willed his vexation to retreat, and there was a tug of something in the air around her that forced her eyes to fly open. Ben was staring at her. She raised an eyebrow in return and he shook his head, returning to his own thoughts. This time, she could sense nothing from him.

* * *

For the next couple of days, their training was an endless cycle of meditation, running in the desert, and skipping rocks with the Force. By the forty-ninth day after Carrivar, Ben made his impatience known.

“Blue Squad is going on another recon mission, Uncle,” he said gruffly as they ate lunch under their usual palm tree. “Surely you can spare me for a week or so if this is all we’ll be doing.”

Luke’s lips quirked. “I thought we were having fun, Ben.” His teasing tone did nothing for his nephew’s mood. “All right, then. I suppose if you would prefer to impose yourself on Captain Wexley rather than start lightsaber training, that’s your own choice.”

Ben’s head snapped up at that. “Real sabers?”

His uncle chuckled and pulled out two lightsaber hilts from under his robes. He handed one to Ben and one to Rey. Rey recognized her own and looked curiously to see which Luke had given Ben.

Ben ignited the lightsaber and frowned at its blue beam. “The color’s right, but it’s not mine. What happened to my saber?”

Luke’s mouth contorted into a grimace. “I found it destroyed on Dantooine when you disappeared.” Rey felt a small surge of suspicion from Ben. “This one will have to do until you can make another.”  
  
Ben extinguished the blade and turned the hilt carefully in his hands. “This was Grandfather’s?” His eyes shone with sudden appreciation.

“I hope it will serve you better than it did him,” Luke said softly. In that moment, Rey couldn’t tell if he was talking about Anakin Skywalker or Kylo Ren.

* * *

On the fifty-first day after Carrivar, Luke moved their exercises into the base, to a newly fortified version of the training room that would accommodate their lightsaber work. He had Rey and Ben practicing forms with training droids at first but promised they would move to more rigorous drills soon, which seemed to placate Ben.

During lunch, Rey saw Ben hesitate at his usual table. All his squad mates had left for their mission and he seemed to flounder in their absence. She waved a hand at him, sending a gentle current through the Force to catch his attention.

“You can sit with us, if you’d like,” she said when he walked over. She ignored the wide eyes of Poe and Finn as she made room. She felt a flicker of relief from Ben before he nodded. He sat gingerly at the edge of the bench and Rey had to resist the urge to tease him for his awkwardness. Poe grinned and Finn winked at her affectionately before turning to the new arrival.

“Hey, Solo. You gotta tell me what your secret is for Galactic Expansion. I need to win against Snap if it’s the last thing I do.”

Rey wasn’t sure if space conquest was the best topic of conversation between a former Stormtrooper and the past self of Kylo Ren, but Finn and Ben didn’t stop talking about game strategy until Poe finally dragged his boyfriend away for combat training.

“See you tonight in the rec room,” Finn called over his shoulder to Ben, who actually _saluted_ back. Rey wondered if she hadn’t unwittingly created a monster. From the look of exasperation clouding Poe’s features, she wasn’t the only one.

* * *

Rey’s squad accepted Ben easily, despite his initial reserve. He and Poe swapped stories about growing up in the years after the Galactic Civil War. It turned out their families had been close, and everyone seemed eager to hear about their early encounters. Sometimes Chewbacca would join them for lunch and embarrass Ben with stories of his youth. She was learning so much about the boy that Ben used to be, that Kylo Ren had also been. It was somewhat bizarre trying to reconcile Kylo with Ben and their shared history, but Rey was starting to see how clearly their paths had diverged.

It shouldn’t have come as such a disappointment to her when Ben returned to his old spot with Blue Squadron upon the recon mission’s return on the fifty-ninth day after Carrivar. She should have been tired of his company—after all, she had spent most waking hours with him for two weeks. But Rey had to admit that she had enjoyed sharing meals with him over the past eight days. So she couldn’t help but smile when he rejoined her group after clearing his tray, even if Jessika did follow him over.

Yet now that Rey knew Ben better, she could tell that there was something that held him back from her, from his friends, from everybody. Even when he was present, there seemed to be a part of him that held them at arm’s length. He often excused himself from evening gatherings around the card tables or a new ’vid. Rey followed him once when he left a sabacc tournament early on the sixty-second day after Carrivar, shielding herself as she traced his footsteps to the base’s archives. She watched as Ben sifted through old HoloNet clips, brows furrowed in deep concentration. He replayed footage of his parents and Luke, broadcasts on the Jedi Academy in the wake of its destruction, news about the havoc that the Knights of Ren had wreaked over the years.

Rey’s heart stopped when she heard Kylo’s modulated voice in a First Order propaganda holo. Yet Ben showed no recognition. He examined it as studiously as he had all the other projections and Rey crept away with a terror rising inside of her. He was seeking answers, just as Luke had predicted. What would Ben do when he found them?

And what would _she_ do?

* * *

She sought out General Organa on the sixty-third day after Carrivar. They took breakfast together in the General’s quarters that morning and Rey apprehensively raised the issue of Ben’s investigations.

“He won’t find anything,” General Organa said, with all the confidence of her rank. “I know those archives better than anyone else on this base. I used to scour the HoloNet feeds for any mention of my son during those awful years. To catch a glimpse of his face.” Her eyes were so sad and Rey’s chest tightened at the thought of her suffering. “But it was only ever the mask.”

“Will you ever tell him? I know it’s not my place, but I can’t help thinking that he should know.”

The General looked away, her mouth a steel line, but Rey could still feel emotions swirling around her in the Force. “I have lost so much to our cause. My parents, my planet, my youth, my husband. I spent so many hours away from Ben in an attempt to make this galaxy a better place. I sent him away, drove Han away, let Luke slip away. And I would do almost all of it again. We are coming so close to that elusive peace my parents died for, that we have all sacrificed so much for.” The next breath that General Organa took was a jagged little thing that cut Rey to the bone. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter, raw.

“But to have my boy back like this? To have an opportunity to still be his mother without all the pain that he was made to cause bearing down on him? To have him fighting on our side for a better future, the way Han and I had always hoped he would? I will not give that up, Rey, not after what we’ve been through. Not when Ben has a second chance. Do you understand?”

She did. Despite Rey’s own fervent wish to share with the whole galaxy what Kylo Ren had done for her, had done for all of them, she could not do so at the expense of Leia Organa’s hard-won happiness.

* * *

It was the sixty-ninth day after Carrivar when Luke finally decided that his two students could move on from sparring droids—which they could do (and had been doing) upside down and blindfolded by that point—to each other. Ben had been needling Rey all morning about it and she was ready to whack the arrogant smile off of his ridiculous face.

She knocked him flat on his back with a dirty Force shove before they even officially began, and Luke could only sigh resignedly as Ben retaliated by kicking Rey in the shins like a petulant child. They both recovered quickly and their lightsabers hummed to action in unison.

“It’s just a friendly sparring session!” Luke bellowed, but they were already whirling around the training room, slashing grooves into the new duracrete-enforced walls. Rey met Ben’s every advance easily and she could tell that he was testing her, building up to his full strength. An unexpected lunge almost caught her off guard, but she sidestepped it just in time, striking his blade away and forcing him back with a thrust of her own.

It was _fun_ fighting him, trying to spot the openings that she could exploit to end the match in her favor. His technique was far less controlled than Kylo’s, yet the unpredictability of it had her mind scrambling to catch up with the instinct of her muscles. At last, she took advantage of Ben’s tendency to twirl his weapon, disarming him just as his wrist was twisting back. He seemed genuinely taken by surprise at that, a yelp escaping from his mouth as he jerked his hand up and dodged her next swing, her saber catching the very edge of his tunic.

Suddenly, Rey’s own hands were empty, and she saw Master Luke holding both hilts, his expression one of aggravation even as the Force betrayed a quiet satisfaction.

“That’s quite enough of that,” Luke said. “Training sabers and hand-to-hand combat from here on, until you both grow up a little.” He tried to seem stern but only managed to look slightly grumpy.

Ben and Rey shared a hearty laugh at their Master’s expense on their way to the barracks. Decorations lined the hallways and Rey realized that New Year Fete Week was nearly upon them.

“So is Blue Squad having its own party or joining ours?” Rey asked, as they were about to part ways. Ben shrugged, slinging a sweat-drenched towel over his shoulder.

“We won’t be having one, not with the last recon mission getting moved up. Not sure about the others, but I’m probably going to take it easy. Jess and Connix are going away for their anniversary, so I’ll actually have some peace for once.”

Rey blinked. Jessika and _Connix_? Rey’s mind cycled through the faces of the people on the base before coming to a dead stop on the image of a petite blonde woman who worked in the command center. _Lieutenant_ Connix. Finn had been so convinced that Jessika was dating a lieutenant at some point. Rey had just assumed it was a _male_ lieutenant that Jessika had abandoned in favor of Ben. Memories fired off in Rey’s head, running through all the times she had seen Connix and Jessika together: walking arm in arm toward the mess ahead of Ben, laughing together at something that Ben had said, sitting nearly on top of each other next to Ben on a sofa as they started a holovid in the crowded rec room. How could she have missed something so obvious?

“…and then Jess vomited all over poor Nien Nunb. Rey, are you even listening?”

She shook herself back to the present. “I’ve heard that story a half-dozen times already. See you at dinner?” Not waiting for him to reply, she headed straight for the nearest ’fresher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As tempted as I was to keep going with the Jessika stuff just to see your reactions, I couldn't let poor Rey continue to suffer. Let this be a lesson to you all about the hazards of heteronormative assumptions!


	8. Reverberation

The Red Squad party to kick off Fete Week took place on the seventieth day after Carrivar. Rey saw about half of the other squads in attendance, as well as quite a few people from all around the base. She had somehow been put in charge of the libations and spent a substantial portion of the night trying to convince Finn that he’d had quite enough. Poe was no help, having abandoned them to lead some kind of group dancing exercise that Rey never managed to execute successfully. That was how she and Finn ended up sitting in the shadows watching as Leia Organa’s best pilot tried to teach Major Ematt some complicated-looking footwork.

“Poe’s so handsome,” Finn slurred against Rey’s shoulder. “Look at his hair.”

“It’s very…well-tousled,” she conceded, feeling all too sober. Finn hiccupped in agreement before pulling himself up to meet her eyes.

“Y’know, Ben’s got some nice hair. It’s real shiny.”

“I suppose? He’s not even here, Finn. And what are you looking at his hair for, anyway? Are you trying to make Poe jealous?” Rey teased.

Her best friend made a face. “No, I’m trying to—I don’t know. I’m tired.”

She exhaled a laugh. “I think you’re a little more than tired, Finn. Let’s get you to bed.”

After bidding farewell to their remaining squad mates and convincing Poe that he should stay to lead the next dance number, Rey and Finn headed back to their bunks. She tucked Finn in first before retreating to the quiet of her own room. It was late, but the base still hummed with energy and Rey knew that sleep would be a long way off.

As Rey stood at her window, searching the sky for new constellations, a movement on the outdoor training grounds drew her attention. From her second-floor vantage point, she could see Ben Solo lying stretched out on his back against the rubbery flextile, his eyes turned toward the heavens, ankles crossed and forearms cradling his head. Rey's breathing stilled at the sight of his handsome face, framed by silky black hair and painted silver by the reflection of the moons. He was beautiful.

She tore herself away just as he began to push himself upright, her hand clutching at her chest. Rey sank shakily onto her bed.

It was distinctly unlike her previous fascination with Ben, which had so largely stemmed from his resemblance to another. This feeling that now coursed through her was more akin to that fateful day on Dagobah, when she felt the draw of naked flesh. Rey was no stranger to physical yearnings, but in all her solitary nights since Carrivar, it had been Kylo’s scarred visage and calloused fingers that she imagined. Now, it was Ben’s smooth hands that flashed in her mind, dancing over her skin. She shivered, picturing her own body next to his out under the stars.

Rey pulled herself back to reality. Nausea overtook her and the only thing she could see now was Kylo Ren. Was this a betrayal to him? Would he be disgusted to know that she was attracted to Ben Solo, the ghost of who he could have been? She reached for Kylo’s memories, the fragments of his past seven years that had become a part of her, and Rey felt nothing of Ben in them. Just anger and loneliness and the wild passion that she’d been missing every minute since he left her.

When she woke up the next morning, the seventy-first day after Carrivar, Rey was relieved to find that Kylo remained the subject of her dreams. There was a twinge of something else as well as she began to ready herself for yet more training, an emotion that bore an unsettling likeness to regret, but Rey swept it away without further examination. Whatever madness that possessed her the night before must have only been temporary. In the light of day, nothing had changed. And that’s all that mattered.

* * *

As it turned out, things  _had_ changed.

Rey had really tried to put her burgeoning feelings for Ben out of her mind. It was not an easy task, seeing as she was still training with him for eight hours a day and had dinner with him in his mother’s quarters once a week. Rey also discovered that she had become accustomed to staring at him from across the room. In the mess hall, her gaze would repeatedly drift in his direction and the continual need to swivel away from him was giving her a headache.

So it was really no wonder that Rey was feeling a bit cranky in the days after the party. People were giving her a wide berth after she snapped at an unlucky radar technician for bumping into her in the cafeteria line, and she was almost thankful for the space. Rey took comfort in lazy evenings with Finn and Poe, the two true constants in her life since Jakku. Sometimes, she looked at the couple beside her, snuggled together on their shared bed as they each read their own holobook or ribbed one another about some mishap in training the new recruits, and all her irritation faded away. 

But Rey’s mood always soured when her thoughts inevitably returned to Ben. She resented the way her heart seized when she felt his proximity, the way her breath caught when his dark eyes met her own, the way her name sounded like a promise on his lips. Rey kept her emotions masked, careful not to jeopardize their friendship, but his presence was maddening, an unwelcome intoxicant. That was how, on the seventy-eighth day after Carrivar, she found herself becoming better acquainted with Jessika Pava, toward whom Rey was feeling inexplicably more compassionate lately.

Before long, and in spite of Ben’s astonishment at their newfound camaraderie, Jessika and Rey were happily chatting about the specs of a new A-wing model that was rumored to be in production. Connix had surprised Jessika with a tour of the Kuat Systems Engineering headquarters during their recent holiday and she was eager to share the details. Rey marveled at Jess’s colorful account of the factory floor and the rows of gleaming droids assembling starfighters. The trip had also been partly business—the Resistance now had more pilots than vessels and news of Snoke’s death had inspired some very generous donations from the Core worlds.

“You should come with us next time,” Jess said, her hand resting lightly on Rey’s forearm. “We’re inspecting the shipment in a few weeks. The _Falcon_ might come in handy.”

And just like that, Jess became a friend and Connix soon after. When Ben was around, Rey could immerse herself in conversation with the two women without drawing any suspicion. He seemed slightly annoyed to suddenly be the odd man out, but Poe and Finn were always quick to pull him into their own discussions.

Days passed like that, the last recon mission came and went uneventfully, and the final push toward a major air strike was underway at last. Rey’s precious moments with the other members of the Resistance were fewer and farther between—Poe was consumed by mission planning, Finn had been selected to lead the ground troops, and Jess and Connix were overseeing the training of new arrivals. Even General Organa was frequently off-world with Chewbacca, no doubt gathering more political support and the credits that came with it. Worse still, Luke had insisted on additional meditation sessions in the evenings, so Rey was required to spend even more time with Ben. She craved and dreaded it in equal measure.

Not until the stolen minutes before slumber could Rey seek relief. One hand gripping her sheets and another between her legs, Rey would relive the pleasures that Kylo Ren had brought her, his low voice whispering filthy encouragements against her ear, his long fingers stroking sensitive skin as he took her forcefully from behind, his bruising grip on her hips as she rode him. But the closer she found herself to release, the more the man in her imagination strayed from her memories, all crooked smiles and bronzed skin. Suddenly she would no longer be aboard a sleek Upsilon-class shuttle, but in the calm of the oasis, on the cold tile of the ’fresher, against the dimly lit hallway of the barracks. She always made herself stop at that point, unable to bear the thought of facing Ben in the morning if she didn't.

By the ninety-third day after Carrivar, it had been nearly a month since her last climax. Yet as torturous as it was to be near Ben in such a state, Rey savored the moments they shared, from mutual excitement as they mastered new skills to good-natured commiseration over Luke’s glacial pace of instruction. They were learning as much from each other as from their Master and every day brought Rey some fresh admiration for Ben’s abilities. While Kylo Ren had more experience and raw power, Ben Solo was lighter on his feet, more agile without the heavy cloak of a Knight, and much more playful in his sparring. As much as Rey hated to think about it, she never left their trainings without a smile.

That all changed on the ninety-fourth day.

It had started normally enough. Meditation, forms, Force training, practice drills. Then the finale, three rounds with their lightsabers, a hurricane of blue and green. But just as he was about to force her into a corner, she lashed out, the pent-up energy of the past weeks driving her to bloodthirst. Ben hissed as her weapon sliced through his clothes, burning the side of his torso. She disengaged immediately, apologies falling from her tongue as she reached for him.

“It’s nothing,” he said, hiding the gash from her view, but Luke decided to make a lesson of it.

Ben shed his shirt easily, and Rey had to look at the floor to keep from staring. It had been bad enough witnessing thin fabric clinging to his perspiration, now she faced the smooth expanse of his back and the toned muscles of his abdomen. Her stomach clenched at the sight of marred skin, the damage by her own blade.

She trembled as she knelt before him, hovering just an inch above his injury, just a caress away from the sparse hair trailing down from his navel. With some difficulty, Rey emptied her mind, until all that occupied her thoughts was the desire to make him whole again.

A tingling warmth rose from the center of her, up to her shoulders, down her arms, through the fingertips that were so close to touching him. When she looked up at Ben, his eyes were hooded, lids heavy. There was heat in his gaze and Rey was frightened by it. Yet she was transfixed, too, frozen in place even after the Force stopped flowing through her and nothing remained under her hands except a thin white line. Luke’s voice broke through at last, a commendation, and she stood quickly, stepping away from temptation.

They didn’t speak on the way to the barracks and Ben disappeared into the ’fresher ahead of her. Rey took an extra lap around the base, walking in a haze as busy men and women brushed past her. When she finally made it to a shower, she turned the control to the coldest possible setting.

Rey skipped dinner, sitting instead in her room, belly empty but her only appetite was for something other than food. Master Luke was called away to the command center just before their evening session began, sending telepathic instructions for his two charges to meditate on their own. Rather than seek out Ben, Rey slunk away to the oasis, hoping the cooled sand could ease the fever. Much later, when the fire in her veins had finally receded, she felt him approaching and her temperature flared again.

“You’re avoiding me.”

She refused to give him an answer. Frustration flowed off of him into the still evening air. Rey breathed it in like oxygen, fuel for her inferno. Her defenses were tall as ever, even as he battered obstinately against them. Ben sank to the ground beside her. She struggled to keep her emotions blank.

The contact of his hand on her bare arm was electric, and when her eyes flew open, she saw that he was closer than she had realized. Rey needed only to lean in and she could be kissing him. Willing herself not to glance at his mouth, she met Ben’s scrutiny without flinching. The Force pulsated in the narrow space between their bodies. He inched forward. Just a pucker of her lips and they could meet his.

“What are you hiding, Rey?” She tasted his breath, tantalizingly sweet with the spiced nysillim tea he always drank after dinner. It would be so easy…

She stiffened away from him. Startled, he nearly fell over but caught himself just in time, bewilderment plain on his face. Before he could utter another word, Rey ran. 

* * *

She ended up in the storage area near the hangar, a large closet full of broken parts and old equipment that had been one of the first places she discovered on the base. The scavenger in her felt immediately at ease there. Amid the wires and the scrap metal, Rey could lose herself in the hunt for repurposed treasure. Tonight, she told herself that she needed to upgrade the chassis of her lightsaber, and that reason was as good as any to stay secluded. 

But it was difficult to focus and the room was quite stuffy. Less than an hour later, Rey emerged cautiously, heading straight to her bunk. There was nobody in the corridors, to her immense relief. She undressed and slipped into bed. Only minutes later, her hands were wandering of their own accord.

This time, Rey abandoned herself to the thought of Ben. The tension of the day had been too much and she needed to peak more urgently than any night before. Her brain jumped from one image to the next: unclasping Ben’s belt as he stood shirtless in the training room, that same heady look in his eyes; devouring Ben’s mouth as he sat with her in the oasis, pushing him back to splay herself against his solid chest; leaving the door to her room open, so he could see just what he was doing to her.

A new gush of wetness coated her fingertips and Rey’s nipples hardened as she realized just how close she was to the last scenario. Familiar footsteps were becoming audible in the distance, pausing only briefly at the point where they usually stopped, then continuing unhurriedly, approaching. Her ministrations quickened and she could feel him in the Force, drawing nearer still. Rey was breathing harder, wondering if he could hear each lungful of air, wishing for it so she might be discovered.

Ben’s advance slowed once again, but she could see the beginnings of a silhouette through the crack at the bottom of her door. A moan resonated through her little room, shockingly wanton to her ears in the echo, and the figure outside halted. Rey’s self-restraint dissolved at his proximity and a tendril of pure lust escaped her high walls, spiraling toward him. She was fingering herself frantically now, the noise of it obscene, delicious. She pictured Ben propped against the doorway, listening to her furtively and aching to join in, perhaps even taking hold of himself to match her. Rey squeezed her thighs together, thumb rubbing desperate circles, until finally she was unraveling.

By some miracle, she rode out her orgasm in silence. As the pleasure ebbed and her head cleared, the humiliation and guilt she had anticipated were blissfully absent. There was only satisfaction.

Ben lingered outside for a while longer. He was cloaked in the Force now and made no sound, but his shadow remained, unmoving. Rey let herself float into sleep just briefly. When she awakened moments later, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More like "From the Trashes," amirite? (I have been sitting on that joke since I first started this fic.)
> 
> THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your comments, kudoses, bookmarks, and subscriptions! Definitely the best motivation for me to finish writing.
> 
> Mad props to my talented beta Fadelight for the stick figure depiction of Rey and Ben stargazing. Truly a masterpiece of our time.


	9. Revolution

On the ninety-fifth day after Carrivar, Ben was stony-faced and distant during their training, barely even grunting an acknowledgement when she bid him good morning. Rey didn’t push it. Her mind was sharper now that she had alleviated some of her sexual frustration, but she was dismayed that her pulse still quickened at the sight of him. After completing her weight training exercises, while awaiting her turn for instruction, Rey watched Ben work with Luke.

While Master Luke always moved with surprising grace for a man his age, it was Ben’s growing power in the Force that entranced her today, the way he anticipated every move so expertly, deflected every strike with just flick of his wrist, his brows cinched in concentration. He tended to bite his lip, too, when he was really exerting himself, and Rey couldn’t help thinking about everything else that mouth could be used for.

During her own time with Luke, Ben didn’t observe as he usually did, choosing instead to run through forms facing away from them. Forms were his least favorite part of training, and Rey was affronted by the implication of this, so affronted that Luke managed to land at least three blows. Even her barks of pain were not enough to turn Ben’s head. She did not like this version of Ben that was indifferent to her.

When they broke for lunch, Rey tried to engage him in conversation again, but he answered in shrugs and monosyllables. Only once was she able to coax any semblance of a smile out of him. Ben seemed to be channeling Kylo’s grim temperament from those early days on Dagobah and these echoes of their past were no comfort at all. In fact, Rey felt disquieted by the likeness and her gut twisted in reproach.

Although she was still inexperienced in friendship, Rey knew this change was in some way her doing, knew that it couldn’t have been a simple coincidence that Ben was acting this way the day after she had allowed him to overhear her self-pleasure. Yet it seemed ridiculous to her that he could be so affected by it, especially when lewd noises could be overheard in the barracks nearly every night. Often from the direction of Finn and Poe’s room, if she was being honest, although Rey certainly did not want to think about _that_ the next time she watched a holo on their bed.

After stewing in silence until training resumed, Rey decided that what most annoyed her was the fact that Ben was behaving like this after _she_ had been suffering for the last month without complaint. And now, just when she finally felt like she could be near him again without embarrassing herself, Ben had to have the exact opposite idea. It wasn’t fair at all.

At the end of the afternoon, Master Luke announced that today’s sparring would be hand-to-hand combat and Ben managed to look even unhappier than he had seemed that morning. They were both in their ready stances, knees bent and fists up, when Luke suddenly jerked his head to the side, eyes unfocused.

“Leia needs me in the command center,” he said, after a moment. “You can finish without me. Don’t break anything while I’m gone.”

They both pulled faces behind Luke’s back, and Ben almost grinned before apparently remembering that he was supposed to be miserable. Before Rey could comment, he threw the first punch and they were off.

She evaded his attacks quite easily, but he blocked her kicks with just as little effort. A jab toward his solar plexus glanced off as Ben dodged away, and he used the momentum against her, a well-placed foot sending Rey tumbling toward the corner of the room. She recovered with a somersault, springing up and dodging away before he could trap her. They circled one another slowly, and Rey couldn’t help herself.

“Come on, Ben. I know you can do better than that.”

He smirked and Rey felt the Force coming even before her legs went out from under her. She allowed herself to fall this time, landing on her side.

“That’s _cheating_!” But she was chuckling, already propped up on her elbow. Ben had a real smile on, now, and stepped forward to offer her a hand up. She reached for it and pulled.

He fell on top of her, arms and knees catching his weight on either side of her body. Their faces were aligned and he was looking down at her in surprise. Rey felt the ends of his hair tickling her forehead.

“Now who’s cheating?” His voice was gruff, raspy, just a caress on the side of her mouth. But his eyes told her everything.

Ben _wanted_ her.

Whatever fulfillment Rey had attained the night before faded completely and her desire bloomed like a bruise across her skin. Her hands drifted up to curl around his biceps, to pull him closer.

Ben tensed, searching her face for answers. “What game are you playing, Rey?” She swallowed hard and leapt into a new world.

“Aren’t I allowed to find you attractive?”

His cheeks pinked and Rey watched in wonder as the flush grew, spreading out toward his ears and down his neck into his shirt. She wanted to follow it with her touch.

“A Jedi doesn’t act on attraction.”

Rey rolled Ben onto his back and straddled him, pinning his shoulders down.

“Who said I wanted to be a Jedi, Ben?” His eyes were dark, locked on her lips. “What about you? Are you planning to become a Jedi?”

He dragged his gaze back up to hers. “It’s looking less and less appealing.” This earned a smile from her.

“Are you going to touch me?” she asked, emboldened. His throat bobbed and Rey followed the movement with her eyes hungrily.

“Would you like me to?”

She released his shoulders, shifting her weight toward his pelvis. Slowly, she lifted his left hand to her breast. Ben palmed it, watching her carefully as his thumb brushed over her nipple. His other hand was on her thigh, massaging gently and then sliding up to cup her ass. The softness of his touch was driving her crazy.

On an instinct, she moved herself down his body and _there_ , yes, he was hard for her. A choked noise escaped the man beneath her and she rolled her hips to draw it from him again. His hands roamed bolder now, and Rey made sure to reward him with a little sound in the back of her throat.

They both froze at the distant buzz of a cleaning droid down the hallway. A split second later, the door to the training room slammed shut, the strength of their combined Force push causing the walls around them to shudder. They glanced at each other in astonishment and then they were laughing, Ben’s head thrown back, his hands spanning Rey’s waist. She sank into him, felt his mirth vibrating through her, and let herself relax against the breadth of his chest. Then he looked at her intently, suddenly serious, and she realized that they had still not kissed.

Ben touched her cheek, trailed the back of his fingers along her jaw, and she leaned into it, drawing even closer to him. His lips met hers so faintly that she almost mistook it for a breath. They both pulled back slightly to regard each other once more. Something tightened in Rey’s ribcage at the sight of the birthmarks scattered like a constellation across his skin and she tilted forward to kiss him properly, hands cradling his face. Her bottom lip fit perfectly above his.

Ben’s fingers were simultaneously tangled in the hair at the nape of her neck and splayed across her lower back, holding her to him. He opened up to her with a soft exhale and she responded in kind, letting her teeth sink lightly into the tender flesh of his mouth, eliciting a muffled groan that made her thighs clench. Rey pressed more deeply against him, their tongues delving and tasting. She never wanted to stop kissing him.

Unfortunately, Rey’s stomach had other plans and decided to voice this opinion quite audibly.

“Somebody ready for dinner?” Ben asked, eyebrows raised and clearly resisting a smirk. Rey shut her eyes in embarrassment. “It’s fine, really. We can always pick up where we left off after meditation. If you can last that long.”

“If _I_ can last that long?” She ground against him to punctuate her point. He bucked his hips involuntarily.

“Such a cheater, Rey,” he gritted out, but his hands kept her there, connected to him.

Her fingers skimmed the smooth ridge of his clavicle. “Are you admitting defeat?”

Ben grinned. “Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, RIGHT?
> 
> Last week totally kicked my ass and the next couple of weeks will be a little crazy, so please bear with me! Will try to return to weekly updates.
> 
> In other news, we are around the halfway point for this fic! Your feedback keeps me going. Thank you all so much!
> 
> Help with the chapter title from Deathbyhook and Fadelight. Don't know what I would do without your input!


	10. Revelation

The next few days passed in a whirlwind. Rey imagined that, to the people around them, her relationship with Ben seemed the same as it had ever been. They still sniped at each other during meals and goaded each other during practice, made stupid jokes and ugly faces as they always had. They didn’t hold hands or exchange moon eyes like Finn and Poe or Connix and Jess. There were no stolen kisses or sweet words. And nobody ever saw Rey slip into Ben’s room after evening meditations. It was simpler this way.

She hadn’t expected how tentative he had been when she had first started visiting his bunk. His eyes had been so wide the first time she had taken off her clothes, his hands cautious on her body, as if Ben thought she would disappear in a blink or break under his fingers. She hadn’t expected how powerful this made her feel, the potency of his quiet determination to please her. So she guided him to her favorite places, urged him on, showed him exactly how she wanted his touch. By the end of that first day, his mouth had already found the sweet juncture where her neck met her shoulder and the spot behind her ear that made her squirm. By the next evening, he had discovered the angle of his fingers that made her cry out and, a day later, the swirl of his tongue that had her begging for more. She hadn’t expected how quickly he could make her come or anticipated the reverence that flitted across his features when it happened.

Rey didn’t think about Kylo in those moments, not while she was with Ben. But afterward, when she had returned to her own bed for the night, her dead lover returned to haunt her. She still only ever dreamed about Kylo Ren, when she dreamt at all. In her slumber, they were always alone, always surrounded by the whitest of lights, always reenacting some scene from those last precious weeks. And when Rey inevitably woke up, alone in her bed, she still ached for him. It had been so long since she had felt his callused hands, tasted the sorrow of his scars, smelled the snow and pine and steel of him.

Kylo Ren had taught her everything she had known about pleasure, his and hers. With Ben, it was like starting all over again. Without a Force bond magnifying every caress and desire, she had only her own feelings to focus on, only her own nerves tingling.  She had to watch Ben’s face closely, feel the tremor of his body, hear the catch in his breath to read what he was feeling. And he had studied her in return, with such wonderment that she often couldn’t meet his gaze. He seemed to be cataloging every whimper and clench, learning by touch all the ways he could make her want him.

In that empty space where Kylo had been, there was now something else that prickled. Rey didn’t know what the sensation was, but it wasn’t exactly the sharp pain of the first months after Carrivar, not anymore. Guilt gnawed at her when she thought about it, a double-edged sword that prevented her from seeking out more of Kylo’s memories or entertaining the thought of anything more than lust and friendship with Ben. So Rey stayed in a no man’s land that reminded her of Jakku—a place of raw survival, of never enough, of can’t leave. She would make do, as she always had.

Life on the base went on, oblivious to both her trysts with Ben and the inner turmoil that followed. The mess hall was always crowded these days, with so many faces she didn’t recognize. The squadrons were eating their meals in shifts and Rey marveled as the tables filled and emptied, like the tides of Ahch-to. The Resistance had grown so much from the close-knit team she had first met on D’Qar almost a year and a half ago. They had a real shot against the First Order now. And the plans for ending this war were well underway. Nobody outside of the top officers knew all the details, although Rey certainly had an idea of the scope from her time in the command center working with Admiral Ackbar. However, even Poe could not say when the exact date of the strike would be.

When Ben and Rey walked into an empty mess on the one hundred and first morning since Carrivar, they both understood immediately that the battle had begun. 

* * *

 “Nobody ever tells us anything,” Ben grumbled as they were turned away from a very full command center by Threepio, who had only assured them that everything was going according to plan. Somewhere behind the golden droid, General Organa’s voice could be heard barking orders. Their comrades had been gone for more than a day already. Ben and Rey walked silently back to the mess hall for dinner, minds occupied by Jess and Poe and Finn and all the other members of their Resistance family who were somewhere in the dark reaches of the Unknown Regions. Rey thought about all those faraway planets she had harvested from Kylo Ren’s memories. She wished, not for the first time, that Luke hadn’t insisted on their staying behind.

“It’s so quiet without them,” Rey said, just as they reached the end of the hallway. It was hard to hide the emotion from her voice. Ben put a hand on her back, and she almost startled at it. Nobody was around, but she still felt like they had to hide from prying eyes.

He glanced at her strangely before his lips curved into a lopsided smile. “Bet I could change that.” In a second, they were pressed against the wall, her chest pressed against his, his mouth hot and wet against her neck. She relished the feel of it for a few moments before pushing him away.

“A little control, Solo. Or you’ll be paying for it later.”

His eyebrow quirked and she almost shivered at the dark look in his eyes. “Promise?”

Rey put on a mask of exasperation, batting away the hand still on her cheek. If she didn’t stop this flirtation, they might go too far. “You wish, laserbrains. Come on, I smell shaak pot roast.” She strode into the mess hall and Ben followed after a beat, grousing about how unfortunate it was that his mother was rubbing off on her. They spent dinner talking about nothing and everything, their conversation bouncing from the podrace on Theron that they’d watched on the holo the night before to the dirtiest words they knew in Shyriiwook. Rey was imitating an old Wookiee bounty hunter she had once encountered on Jakku when she saw Ben’s shoulders sag, his mind clearly wandering elsewhere. He was likely worrying about Chewbacca, who was piloting the _Falcon_ with Red Squadron. Her brain scrambled to find some way to distract him.

“Want to come over after meditation?” The words tumbled from her lips before she could stop them. Ben’s eyes shot up to hers and his mouth dropped open. She blushed under the heat of his gaze, even as desire flared in her belly. He stood and grabbed their trays in such a hurry that Rey nearly laughed out loud. “Oi, I wasn’t finished with dessert!” 

* * *

They had both been so distracted during meditation that Luke let them go early, shaking his head at his students as they tried not to look at one another. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were younglings. You two had better show me some more serious focus tomorrow morning. The Knights of Ren won’t be nearly as forgiving.” But Rey thought she saw a hint of amusement in their Master’s blue eyes as he dismissed them. They tried to keep their steps steady as they headed to the barracks, but the air was practically crackling with anticipation. This was the night, and they both knew it.

She was surprised when he entered her room slowly, without even looking at her. Ben took in her neatly made bed, the old Rebellion-era posters on her walls, her half-empty closet. He ambled over to the shelves under her little window, which sagged under the weight of all her flowering cacti.

“Poe give you this?” He gestured to the kibo blossom that held a place of honor in the center of the top shelf. Rey smiled.

“Finn had him bring it from Yavin, I think. It was a welcome home gift.” She hung her bag from the doorknob and unclipped her lightsaber from her belt, setting it in the empty space at the end of the shelf, closest to her bed. Ben followed her lead, placing his grandfather’s saber next to it. Their bodies were close now. She took his wrist gently and pulled him toward her.

His hands were on her waist as he kissed her slowly. She opened her mouth against his lips, tongue seeking his as she sank onto her mattress, tugging him to join her. Every cell in her body wanted to rip his clothes off and sink onto his lap, but she let the need build within her as she divested them both of their garments unhurriedly. He broke their kiss to look down at her body, his breath hitching as it had the nights before, as if every time had been the first. She took advantage of his distraction to admire the smooth planes of his chest, the taut muscles of his arms and shoulders, the hard ridges of his abdomen. Before she could properly appreciate anything lower, his mouth was latched onto her collarbone, rough hands palming her breasts and teasing her nipples into peaks. She started to touch him in return, but he pinned her arms at her sides before she could go very far.

“Not yet,” he breathed against her skin. He kissed his way down her stomach until he was hovering above the juncture of her trembling legs. He parted them with his knees, and she shuddered at the sight of his hard cock so close to where she wanted it.

But he moved back instead, until he was crouched between her thighs, suckling at the skin on either side until she was quivering. Ben threw one of her legs over his shoulder, then the other, and brought his mouth down to where she really wanted him. Her hips nearly flew off the bed at the touch of his lips on her clit, but his forearm held her steady as his tongue began delving into her. She was almost embarrassed by how wet she was as one of his long fingers slipped inside of her easily, curling up to brush the spot that made her clench around him. He added another finger, pumping into her faster now, still flicking her clit with his tongue, building her higher and higher.

Finally, his other thumb reached down through her curls to circle to replace his mouth on that sensitive bundle of nerves as he turned his head and sank his teeth into the flesh of her inner thigh. The pleasure-pain of it made her come so hard that she didn’t realize the guttural moans and heavy breathing that filled the room came from her own mouth until Ben reemerged to kiss her sloppily, plunging the room back into relative silence as she floated down from her climax. His chin was damp with her arousal and the heady taste of herself on his tongue made her hum anew with desire. Rey reached down to stroke him, pleased to find his cock still hard and ready for her, rubbing the smooth head of it against her slick folds.

Ben lifted himself off of her suddenly, stilling her hand. Rey lost her patience. “Don’t ask me anything stupid. I want this, Ben. Give me what I want.” She would kill him if he made her beg.

“Fuck it.” He sank into her slowly, and she was pleased to see his arms shaking with the strain of controlling himself. “Oh, Force, you’re so tight.”

She drew in a breath sharply as he buried himself to the hilt inside of her. Tears almost sprang to her eyes. He felt so fucking good. She angled her hips and Ben nearly collapsed on top of her. He rolled them over a little too smoothly.

“Did you just use the Force during sex?” She chuffed out a laugh, but then he was fucking up into her and she couldn’t recall what was so funny. It took Rey a moment, but she eventually remembered that she could move, too, and she started riding him faster. She let her hands trail over his torso, let the tips of her nails drag over his smooth, sun-tanned skin. His face was beautiful like this, concentrating so hard on not losing control, that lush black hair splayed against her white pillow. Rey wanted to see him break for her. He caught the wickedness in her eyes and let out a groan.

“I’m not going to last,” he managed to say. She just rode him harder, bent on seeing him fall apart. Her own pleasure was nearly forgotten but then Ben grabbed her hips so tightly that she nearly yelped. The pace that he set seemed inhuman; they were crashing together so brutally that she could barely engage her own muscles at all, it was all him. She felt herself getting closer to peaking again, but then it was all over. Rey saw his eyes fly shut, heard him cry out, felt the warmth inside of her. The throbbing of his spent cock as he held her still made her wish they’d had more time.

“You didn’t come.” His gaze was back on hers, glassy but alert. She shrugged and started to pull away. “Oh no, you don’t.” He was starting to soften inside of her, but he kept her there all the same, clever fingers toying with her until she was cursing and clawing at him, rocking her hips against his, and, oh, she was coming. He was hard again inside of her, and before she could wonder how that happened, he had her on her back once more, fucking her through the orgasm and into something else entirely. Rey was boneless, sobbing, begging like she swore she wouldn’t, but it didn’t matter, nothing mattered, just him and her and the endless ecstasy they were wringing from each other.

It did end, at some point, but she was too sated and drowsy to feel anything close to regret. Rey reached out for a towel with the Force and Ben cleaned them both up. She curled into his side and let him wrap his arms around her. They had already discussed contraception the night before, but he ran a thumb over the implant just below her left bicep all the same. Rey would have to make him leave, soon. It wouldn’t be a good idea to have him stay the night. But for now, she snuggled into him, inhaling his warm, spicy scent. She would just shut her eyes for a moment. 

* * *

Rey blinked at the white void around her. A hand was splayed across her stomach and she smiled, wiggling her ass against the man she knew would be behind her. He growled into her ear at that, and she let herself moan his name.

Suddenly it was cold. She reached behind her, but there was nothing there. The dreams didn’t usually end so abruptly. Rey forced herself awake.

The sun was in her eyes. It was morning. There was rustling, the sound of fabric. She sat up, still sleepy. And then her heart stopped.

He was half-dressed, facing away from her, pulling on his boots in haste. She knew immediately what had happened.

“Ben—”

“Don’t. Don’t talk.” He threw a bundle of clothes at her and she dressed herself in record time. Rey couldn’t be naked for this, not when she already felt so exposed. Ben wouldn’t look at her, but she could see how ashen he was, the quake of his hands as he buckled his belt. His eyes flitted from place to place without landing on her, and she knew he was trying to decide what to do next.

“Ben, please—” Her feet dragged on the ground helplessly as Ben pulled her frozen body toward him. His face was inches from hers, looking more murderous than he ever had, even as Kylo Ren.

“Don’t fucking talk to me, you liar.” Rey struggled futilely as his hands held her shoulders in a bruising grip that only added to the Force hold he was using. She closed her eyes and let the power gather within her. Ben went flying into her door. He struggled to get on his feet, but she quickly turned the tables, wrapping the Force around him so that he was immobilized half-kneeling before her.

“Please calm down. I can explain.” But her mind was racing, heart in her throat. What could she possibly tell him?

“No. More lies,” Ben ground out. And then he was in her mind, rifling through her memories for a glimpse of Kylo Ren. Their first encounter on Takodana flashed in front of her, then the final shuttle ride to Carrivar, the interrogation room on Starkiller, that modulated voice, his gloved hands reaching up to take off his mask—

“Stop it!” Rey threw Ben out just as she had done countless times to Kylo when they practiced on Dagobah, but it cost her the hold she’d had on him. Ben jerked toward her and she lashed out on instinct, backhanding him across the face.

He stumbled backward, palm on his cheek. “Who the fuck _are_ you?” The shriek of an alarm cut through the air and they both winced at the feedback emitted from the sound system.

“First Order starfighters have been sighted. Man battle stations. Civilians and all nonessential personnel prepare for evacuation.”

Ben threw her a look of disbelief and utter disgust. “You did this. You brought them to us.” And then he was out the door, running in the direction of the hangar.

She stood still for a minute, dazed. It had taken one hundred and three days, but now the falsehoods were finally catching up to her.

Rey shook herself, as though that movement alone could stem the crushing tide of self-pity that threatened to consume her. She would fix this, later. But now, it was time to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience as I've been finishing my master's thesis! Will the smut and slightly-longer-than-usual chapter help you forgive me? Probably not, but I'm giving it to you anyway!
> 
> As always, my sincerest gratitude to my speedy beta, Fadelight. And readers, thank you so much for your feedback and support! It's been a light at the end of the tunnel as I've slogged my way toward graduation. More regular (approximately weekly) updates from here. And my next fic is already all planned out. Can't wait to show it to y'all!


	11. Retribution

By the time Rey got to the hangar, Ben had already helped load the first transport shuttle. She handed him a blaster from the small bag of supplies she had hurriedly assembled on the way there. His fingers reflexively reached for the lightsaber at his side before taking the proffered weapon without a word. There were no starfighters left to face the TIEs; Luke had taken off in the last one. She and Ben worked side by side to help with the evacuation, but Rey could the anger rolling off of him. When the next transport left, he finally turned his attention to her.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t report you to the General.”

“Report me for what? I haven’t betrayed the Resistance, Ben. Your mother knows that.”

“You were the one who delivered the coordinates, right? I always wondered how you got them. I guess sleeping with the enemy will get you pretty much everything you want. What a coincidence that the First Order finally finds us while the entire fleet is off chasing phantoms in the Unknown Regions.”

“It’s not like that.” She couldn’t believe how his mind had twisted everything. How had he even known about the coordinates?

“These ears aren’t decorative, Rey. I’ve been hearing things about you since I first got here. Things that don’t make any sense unless there’s something you’re hiding. And I remember, now. I remember the first time I saw you. What are the chances that you’re the first face I see after being held captive for all those years? As powerful as you are, there’s no way you took out Snoke by yourself. You’re not telling the full truth.”

“I want to explain,” she said haltingly, feeling tears prick the back of her eyes. She blinked them back. “I really do. But this isn’t the time. And it’s not all mine to tell.”

His face hardened, and then there was an explosion from the side of the hangar and a sudden influx of Stormtroopers, too many for them to take on with their sabers at close range. They both ran to get between the enemy troops and the civilians, blasters in hand to buy time for the others to evacuate. Rey hesitated before taking aim, and her pause did not go unnoticed.

“Worried about taking on your friends?” Ben shouted over the alarm between blaster rounds.

Rey took out two ’troopers with one shot. “For R’iia’s sake, they’re not my friends. But any one of these soldiers could have been Finn before he defected, all right?” Ben knew about Finn’s past. It hadn’t been a secret. In any case, the answer seemed to placate him. Another bomb hit somewhere in the direction of the command center and the entire base shook.

“Hesitation will get you killed.” Their eyes met before they both had to duck from another barrage of bolts from the ’troopers. Rey’s lips twitched despite the blaster fire.

“Thanks for caring, Ben,” she muttered under her breath, steeling herself to make another few shots.

Gradually, the tides of Stormtroopers receded into the hallway, so Ben and Rey were able to use the half-opened doors to the hangar for shelter rather than hiding behind tool cabinets. Both checked over their shoulders to see that there was only one shuttle left, with the last dozen passengers still loading.

“Where are your mother and the others?”

“There are a couple of emergency shuttles near the command center, but I think she’s still on-base.” He frowned. “She’s definitely alive. Maybe there’s a bunker over there. We need to get to a comlink.”

“Ben, get down!” She warned him just in time. A blaster bolt penetrated the heavily-damaged part of the door where his head had been just moments before. “Kriff, that was close! We need to get out of here.”

“I’m not leaving Lasan without my mother,” Ben yelled. The alarm stopped and Rey’s ears rang in the unexpected silence. The sound system screeched once more.

“Warning, the base will self-destruct in T-minus 60.” The automated message began a countdown and the Stormtroopers retreated.

Rey ran over to Ben’s side of the door and grabbed his hand. “There’s a long-range comlink in the bunker under the training grounds. Come on, I’ll take you.” He looked at their joined palms dubiously. “Please, trust me.” He still didn't move, and she hissed out a breath before speaking quietly. “I’ll tell you more at the bunker.”

Ben looked into her eyes and nodded. “Let’s go.”

* * *

They made it outside to the training grounds just as the countdown ended. Ben pushed her to the ground and, with a flick of his wrist, deflected the incoming debris away from them. Rey remembered how she had seen Kylo halt two blaster bolts when they had trained on Dagobah. Had he not master freezing projectiles until after he met Snoke?

“Well, where’s the bunker?” Ben asked impatiently. She had been staring.

“There should be—ah, here it is.” Rey found the control panel camouflaged under the edge of the flextile. She looked around to ensure the area was still clear and then entered the code to gain entry. The hatch clicked open just beside the control panel and they both slipped down the ladder. After one last check for enemy eyes, Rey sealed the hatch.

It was dry, dusty, and gray underground. The bunker was only large enough for a dozen people to fit lying side by side. There was a chronometer on one long wall above the door to the toilet and a large built-in durasteel cabinet on the other long wall. Rey opened the cabinet and rooted around for the hand-held comlink.

“Here it is. I’ll radio Chewie to see if he knows where the General might be.” She inputted the _Millennium Falcon_ ’s code and waited for audio. A relieved grumble echoed in the bunker. “Hello, Chewie! It’s Rey and Ben. We’re in the bunker under the training grounds. I suppose you’ve heard about the attack on the Lasan base?”

Chewbacca replied in the affirmative.

“We’re all right, and everyone else seems to have been evacuated before the self-destruct, but Ben thinks General Organa was still on-base. Have you heard from her?”

They let out twin sighs of relief as Chewbacca explained that she and the other officers were in a separate bunker just off the command center. They were waiting for General Hux to surrender before they could send a shuttle to pick up the few Resistance members who remained on Lasan. The campaign in the Unknown Regions was still ongoing, but a Resistance victory seemed imminent. And even better, Luke, Finn, Poe, and Jessika were all still alive, as far as Chewie knew.

Ben took the comlink. “How did they find our base?” Rey looked at him sharply but stayed silent. Chewbacca said that one of the Resistance transport shuttles was stolen by Captain Phasma while Finn’s troops were storming the main First Order base. They had probably been hoping to capture some of the officers and civilians as leverage.

“Thanks, Uncle Chewie.” They both signed off and the bunker was quiet once more. Ben stepped away from her and sat against one of the shorter walls, the comlink still in his lap. Rey mirrored him against the opposite wall. As thankful as she felt to be vindicated, she dreaded what would surely come next. “You may not have betrayed us this time, but you’ve still got a hell of a lot to explain for.”

“You’re right. I’ll try to tell you as much as I can, but some of it—I won’t be able to share everything. But I promise that I have never outright lied to you. And I never will.” She tried to keep calm. There was no easy way to have this discussion, and she knew it. “Tell me what you already know about Kylo Ren.”

“He leads the Knights of Ren and used to be the right hand of Snoke. Nobody’s heard from him or the other knights since Snoke was killed on Carrivar during the same mission when I was rescued. You had some hand in that mission.” He glared at her. “He had a role in the death of my father. He tortured Poe and almost killed Finn. He’s powerful in the Dark Side of the Force. He’s a killer who wears a mask. What else is there to know?” The venom in his voice was palpable.

“Well, for one thing, he’s dead. For another, he helped me kill Snoke. He gave his life for it. And even before that, he wasn’t the monster that everyone else saw. He was conflicted. He wanted to do the right thing.”

“Did he kill my father?”

Rey took in a shaky breath. “Yes, he did.” Ben shook his head in revulsion, and she felt panic welling up in her chest. “Snoke made him do it. Kylo hated killing. And—” She stopped herself before she could reveal too much, refocusing herself on the task at hand, to explain what little she could. “Before I knew the real Kylo, I almost killed him for what he did to Han. I hated him for it. I didn’t understand. But there was a—a prophecy, I guess. We had to work together to kill Snoke. And there was also a bond. He had tried to read my mind on Starkiller base, before Han died. But I fought back and we were accidentally bonded.”

“A Force bond?” Ben looked incredulous.

“Yes.” She smiled a little, but that only made him scowl. “So I knew he was telling the truth about wanting to help kill Snoke. And about his regret for the things he had done.”

“And that’s all it took, huh?” He grinned sardonically. “You just forgave him and fell into his arms?”

Rey snorted. “No, it took weeks. He trained me for a long time before I trusted him and realized that—that I was attracted to him. I’m not sure I would have even acted on it, but—” she broke off, this time in sorrow.

“But?”

“I was supposed to die. In the prophecy, I was supposed to give my life to end Snoke’s. But Kylo kept that from me and when I found out—it’s like I had nothing left to lose. Except then I did. Lose, I mean. When he died instead of me.”

“So he saved your life?”

Rey let one lone tear escape. “Yes, he did.”

They sat in silence for a while before Ben spoke again.

“Were you in love with him?”

She startled at the question. It took her a moment to find an answer. “I loved him, certainly. More than I thought I would ever love another person. But I’d never been in love. Romance didn’t really happen on Jakku and then I was too busy training with Luke to really entertain the thought.” She thought about Finn and Poe and even Ben, and how different her love for Kylo had felt. “I must have been in love with him. I had to have been, right? After all that he did for me. It hurt so much, when he died.”

“What’s it like, not having the bond anymore?” He didn’t seem angry anymore, just sad.

She decided not to tell him about the memories. Those were private, a gift from Kylo to her, and she intended to keep it that way for as long as she could. “Has Luke ever told you about his missing hand? How he still sometimes felt it, the first few years? How it ached? That’s what it feels like. A phantom limb, Luke called it. Except it’s more like a phantom soul or heart.”

There was another lengthy silence. She played with a strap on the bag she'd so hastily packed what felt like hours ago, lost in her remembrance of Kylo.

“So I guess this explains why you said his name. And how you got the coordinates. And why you know much more of the Force than Luke ever taught his students. But why keep all of this a secret?”

Rey’s eyes shot to his. “You know I can’t tell you.”

“But who am I going to tell? I can keep a secret just as well as you can, Rey.” Ben seemed slightly offended.

“It’s not that. I just—I can’t tell you, all right?”

“But why not?” He gazed at her intently, as though studying her. “Someone must have told you not to tell. Was it my mother? Did she think I would hold it against you?”

“I’m not saying another word, Ben.”

“Was it Luke?” Something dawned on him. “You wouldn’t let me see his face. Was Kylo Ren someone I knew? One of Luke’s students?”

“Ben, stop it.”

“I won’t stop until I find out.”

“Maybe that’s why I’m not telling you,” Rey shot back. “Because you’re so stupidly stubborn.”

“ _I’m_ the stubborn one? That’s pretty funny coming from you.”

“Say what you want, I’m still not telling.”

Ben heaved a dramatic sigh. She ignored him and started rooting around in her bag.

“Want some wyrg-jerky or arguez sausage? Snap gave me his stash before he left for the Unknown Regions.”

“Why’s Wexley giving _you_ his snacks?” he complained. “I was on his squad.”

“Yeah, but you’re not the one who lets him win in Galactic Expansion.”

He gave her a real smile, finally. “You didn’t let him win anything. You just suck at colonizing planets.”

“Do you want real food or not? Because I’m perfectly happy letting you eat out of those nasty ration kits in the cabinet.”

“Hand it over, Empress.”

* * *

Several hours later, a triumphant yell in Shyriiwook issued from the comlink and both of them were hurrying up the ladder to see that the _Falcon_ had arrived. As Chewbacca guided the freighter down onto the training grounds, Rey saw General Organa, Admiral Ackbar, and a few other officers emerge from the rubble of the old base. Ben looked embarrassed by the long hug he received from his mother. The General hugged Rey for just as long but soon returned to Ben’s side, patting his arm affectionately.

“Glad to see you’re both still in one piece! We’ve got Hux, Phasma, and a dozen others on a prison transport that Corellia sent over. Some of the surviving Stormtroopers we ran into offered to defect, just like Finn said they would. We’re going to hold everyone in detention centers for the time being, until we can sort everyone out.”

Rey was eager to see her friends again. “Are we meeting the other Resistance members on 12182015?” The rendezvous point for evacuation was a tiny planet in the Mid Rim that had yet to be named.

“No, we’re all meeting on Eufornis Major.” General Organa hesitated and Rey felt her heart sink.

“What’s happened? Is it Finn?” Rey asked at the same time as Ben inquired about Jessika.

“They’re both alive, but Finn took a bolt in the arm and Jessika’s X-Wing was shot down. She sustained a concussion and some bruising. They’re both on Eufornis getting care. You can see them when you get there.”

* * *

One hundred and five days after Carrivar, Rey woke up with a sore neck and an aching back. But the look on Finn’s face was worth it. They were in his hospital room on Eufornis Major and Rey had fallen asleep on the couch after arriving very early that morning, her head resting on Poe’s shoulder with BB-8 at their feet. She spent the next few hours listening to tales of daring as her best friend and his boyfriend recounted key moments from their fight against the First Order. They listened in return as she told them about Lasan, leaving out any mention of Ben’s newfound knowledge of Kylo Ren. By the time Rey had finished her story, it was past time for lunch and Finn urged both Poe and Rey to find some real food rather than eating what remained on the tray that had been brought to Finn an hour earlier.

They found Connix and Ben in the hospital cafeteria, both of them grimacing as they tried to decide between brown mush and green mush. Jessika was also awake and in good spirits, and Rey looked forward to visiting her after lunch to see if Poe had been exaggerating any of their exploits. Luke approached their table just as they were finishing.

“Hello, everyone! Looks like you all got some sleep, at least. Connix, Leia told me you were an immense help during the evacuation. And Poe, I hear you did some excellent flying in the past couple of days.” Luke clapped both of them on the back and turned his attention to his students. “Some of the prisoners are being transported to a new facility today. We could always use some more security. You two have your lightsabers?” They nodded in confirmation. “Good, meet me at the front of the hospital when you finish up here.”

And with a polite nod, the Jedi walked off. Rey looked apologetically at her friends. “Please let Jessika and Finn know I’ll be back as soon as I can. And will you tell Jess that I’ll visit her first next time?” Ben made a similar request and they all cleared their trays before saying goodbye. It didn’t take long to find Luke, who had a bright green airspeeder ready for them. He explained that all the First Order prisoners had been charged with war crimes. General Hux and Captain Phasma were assigned the earliest trial dates and had to be moved to a facility adjacent to the courts. As the prisoner with more combat experience, Phasma was determined to require the most supervision. Luke and Rey would accompany the prison guards overseeing a heavily-shackled Phasma in her jailspeeder while Ben was assigned to Hux’s retinue.

Sitting with Luke and four prison guards as their transport hurtled toward the new facility, Rey made sure her attention never left the stone-faced blonde seated behind a transparisteel separator. Something bothered Rey about their assignments, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She had felt a sense of uneasy familiarity when she had seen Hux, as if this hadn’t been the first time she had met him. Of course, he had appeared frequently in propaganda holos, but whatever was niggling at the edge of her mind seemed to be more personal than that. As they approached the courts, Rey gasped in sudden, stunning recognition. She made eye contact with Luke, who was sitting on the opposite side of the jailspeeder.

“Master,” she said urgently, before remembering that the others could hear her. ‘Hux knows Kylo Ren’s face.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all! Thanks so much for all the amazing feedback. And holla at my beta, Fadelight, who is always making my writing better.
> 
> As of 5/27/2016: I have gone back and made some edits regarding the timeline. In the original version of this story, Ben lost the last 10 years of his memories, having joined Snoke at around age 20. Since the Bloodline novel has established that he was still with Luke at age 23, I have edited the previous chapters so that Ben is only missing 7 years.


	12. Retribution

****Hux’s jailspeeder had beaten them to their destination and Ben was nowhere in sight. He was masking his presence and hadn’t responded to any of Luke’s telepathic proddings. Rey had filled Luke in on the events of the last day and they had agreed that she should try to find Ben first. She left Luke to supervise Phasma and raced toward the courthouse. A guard stopped her just before the door.

“Have you seen Ben Solo? He was escorting General Hux. Might have had a lightsaber?”

“He dropped off the prisoner a few minutes ago. There aren’t any weapons past this point, in any case. And we’ve got Ysalamiri in the ceiling to cover the entire facility.”

Rey let out a string of Huttese curses and ran back to Luke to help him oversee the delivery of Captain Phasma. After the hand off, she filled him on what she had learned.

“What do we do, Master Luke? He could be anywhere in the city, if he’s not already offworld.”

“We should go to Leia. If he’s found out, he’ll know that she was the one who kept it from him.”

* * *

In the air taxi on the way to Leia’s apartment, Luke received word from his twin that Ben had indeed reached out to her, albeit remotely. They still didn’t know where he was. When Luke and Rey reached the apartment, General Organa looked pale and smaller than ever. Chewbacca was there with her, rubbing her back and muttering reassurances.

“I told him it was my fault. That I swore you and everyone else to secrecy,” General Organa told her. Rey could only nod in response. “Hux tried to blackmail Ben when he recognized his face. I think—I think Ben may have wiped Hux’s memory of it. Did he know how to do that, Luke?”

Luke grimaced. “He was studying some Sith holocrons on mental protection and manipulation before his last mission. It’s entirely possible that he picked it up prior to joining Snoke. We’ll interview Hux tonight.” He turned to Rey. “Do you know who else would have seen Ben’s face? When he was Kylo Ren, that is.”

She dug deep into Kylo’s memories, sifting for exactly what she needed. “He wiped most people’s memories and I think the others are mostly dead, but there were some Knights of Ren who knew.” Something else popped into her brain. “Luke, he knew one of the Knights, from before. A girl with light hair called Lyna Ren. I think they joined Snoke around the same time.”

“That has to be Jemi.” Luke’s face sagged and General Organa let out a sad sigh. “She was on the mission with him to Dantooine. We found her bloodied clothes, but no body. I had thought that—that maybe a beast had gotten there first. After he killed her, I mean.” Rey flinched and Chewbacca groaned in distress. “We all assumed—she was the last person we thought we leave the Order. That’s why we paired them together so often.”

“Rey, how do you know all of this?” Although her voice was gentle, General Organa’s sharp eyes were watching Rey carefully.

This was it. There was no avoiding it any longer. She had to tell them. “Kylo gave me his memories, somehow, before he died. I mean, I can access them, like he taught me to when we were on Dagobah. It’s like that part of him from the last seven years is still here with me.” Rey kept her gaze on the floor. “They can spring up, too, when something triggers them. That’s how I knew about the First Order coordinates, and Hux. I know I should have told you both sooner, but—I was afraid. I didn’t want to lose that part of him, too.”

She looked up to see sympathy on General Organa’s face. “We wouldn’t have taken that from you. Would we, Luke?”

Luke was far more stoic than his sister. He seemed to choose his words carefully. “I’m not sure of the ramifications of this, Leia. I’ve never heard of something like this happening before. It’s concerning. We would need to do some research. There might be something in the holocrons that I missed.” He finally looked at Rey directly. “It might not be anything. And I certainly won’t take any actions without your consent. But you should have told me, Rey.”

Rey turned away, unable to stand the disappointment in his eyes. Chewbacca gave her a gentle pat on the head.

“Well, there’s nothing to do now but wait,” General Organa said briskly, seemly back to her old self for the moment. “Rey, I’m sure you’re eager to see your friends again. Luke and I need to have a talk, but maybe Chewie can take you back to the hospital?” The Wookiee agreed and they headed up to the repulsorcraft platform, where Chewbacca’s red speeder was parked. Neither spoke on the way to the hospital. Rey lost herself in the blur of the skylanes, wishing she could find Ben and finally explain everything.

* * *

She stopped by Jessika’s room first. They chatted about all the happenings of the last few days, the thrilling starfighting that had occurred in the Unknown Regions, the risky maneuver that had sent Jess’s X-Wing into a tailspin, the blaster faceoff on Lasan, the transfer of prisoners.

Rey ached to tell her more, to tell her that their mutual friend was alone and hurting, that Ben was going to need Jess’s support more than ever. But then Rey thought about Jess’s injury and noticed how tired and small she seemed in the hospital bed. And there was the fact that Rey had shared precious little with Jess in the first place. Telling Jess now meant admitting that Rey hadn’t trusted her with the truth before. Was it even Rey’s place to reveal these secrets? Shame and uncertainty stopped her tongue, and Rey left Jessika’s hospital room with the taste of unspoken apologies still in her mouth.

With Finn, it was different. Rey immediately broke down, the regrets spilling from her lips with each word as she confessed. But even with her best friend, Rey could not admit that she had used Ben’s body to satiate her own need, the emptiness of where Kylo Ren had once filled her. Poe listened sympathetically with a hand on her back as Finn cradled her head gently with his good arm, his soothing voice in her ear. It was more than she deserved. What an awful friend she had been to Ben. How would he ever trust her again?

“Do you think—could he turn back to the Dark Side?” Poe asked, his face pinched. He was undoubtedly thinking as much about the pain this would bring General Organa as he was about the danger it would pose to the Resistance and whatever new government would arise from the First Order’s ashes.

Rey gave the answer without hesitation. “No, not in the way that you’re imagining. He won’t betray us.”

“How can you be sure, Rey?” Finn asked gently. She could only shake her head.

“I just know.”

* * *

She jerked awake with a start, jumping out of bed and calling her saber to her even while half asleep. It took Rey a moment to register where she was—a dormitory adjacent to the hospital, where most members of the Resistance were staying if they didn’t have connections on Eufornis Major. A figure was at the foot of her bed, looking out the window as the city awakens.

“Ben. How did you get in?”

“Good morning,” he said flatly, turning slightly so she could see his profile. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

Rey set her lightsaber down on the nightstand with an audible thump, so he could hear it even from the window. “I’m glad you’re here. We were worried about you.” She couldn’t see any emotions on his face, couldn’t feel them either. He was still shielded.

“Who’s we?” Ben sneered, and she felt a stab of his anger slip through. “Your co-conspirators in this charade?”

“I wanted to tell you. And the General—”

“Don’t,” he spit fiercely. “Don’t make excuses for her.” Ben turned fully to her, and she sucked in a breath. His eyes were rimmed in red, dark smudges on the skin under them. Even his hair looked despondent, unusually flat and dull. She steadied herself for what she knew would be a difficult conversation.

“I know that I haven’t been completely honest, but I’ve never told you anything that wasn’t true, all right? And I’ll answer your questions. You deserve that.”

“Aw, thanks,” he said sarcastically, but his voice was too tired for it to carry any real bite. That made it worse, somehow. He sighed and glanced at her, eyes lingering on her bare legs. Rey felt self-conscious in just her underclothes and a sleep tunic, but she kept her head high, body still. She wouldn’t let herself seem weak in front of him.

“Start at the beginning. How you met him—me—whatever.”

“Him.” He finally made eye contact at that, brows furrowed. “You’re not the same person. That’s something you have to know. The things he did, they’re not what you would have done.”

“How can you be so sure?”

She sank down onto her bed and slid over, leaving room for Ben to join her. He didn’t move. “You know, there was a set of identical twins on Jakku. They were scavengers, a little younger than me and far more wild. Jaken and Jano. For a long time, they were exactly alike. Looks, voices, personality. Even the way they walked, it was really distinctive, unique to just the two of them. I could never tell them apart.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because one day, there was an accident. A rope snapped and Jaken fell. He was really high up, but he got lucky and only broke a couple of bones. They were seven years old at the time, so Plutt took pity on them, got them to a healer. But after that, Jaken wasn’t really the same. He was quieter, didn’t take as many risks. One of his legs didn’t heal quite right and so he limped a little, didn’t grow as tall. He didn’t laugh quite as easily and Jano started leaving him behind when he scavenged the more dangerous wrecks. By the time I left, they barely looked like brothers, much less twins.”

“But they weren’t the same person, Rey. Kylo Ren wasn’t my twin, he was _me_.”

“It _is_ the same, Ben. You and Kylo, you’re not the same person right now. You may have started at the same place, but your paths diverged and you made different choices. He blocked out so much of what you two shared together, from before. He had to, that was part of what Snoke made him do. That’s why he took a new name. And I think that made a difference, having to be someone else. Don’t get me wrong, there are similarities. You’re both moody and impetuous and, frankly, pains in my ass. But his actions are not yours. His choices.... You may not understand them because you may not have done the same thing. You weren’t in the same position, you know?”

Ben swallowed hard and closed the distance between them, sitting gingerly at the foot of her bed. His eyes were focused on the rug. “Were you there when my father died?” They both knew the real question. _Were you there when I killed him?_

“Yes, I was.” She didn’t know if he had even heard her because it came out so weakly, but she saw his shoulders hunch, hands clenched in his lap.

“How could you love him? After seeing him kill his— _my_ father?”

“Even Han still loved him. I saw his face. Kylo regretted it—he regretted it so much. I felt it in the bond, when we were on Dagobah. He didn’t want to do it, would never have done it except he needed to get to Snoke. Do you know about the Carrivar mission?” He shook his head, looking at the floor. She explained it as best as she could. “We needed to get into Snoke’s inner sanctum to carry it out. And he didn’t fully trust Kylo until that moment.”

“So Kylo planned it? Lured my father there?”

“No, no. Nothing like that. I think it was just a terrible coincidence that they met like that. And Snoke told Kylo to seize the moment, to prove his worth.”

Ben held his head in his hands. “Kriff. My mother—Chewie said she asked Han to bring Kylo home.”

“Oh.” She almost put an arm around him but thought better of it. Had General Organa’s grief been guilt as well? As much as Rey had hated being asked to keep the truth from Ben, she still sympathized with his mother. Her heart ached for them both, and for Han as well. “You spoke to Chewie, too?”

“Yeah, late last night after talking to Jess. And Luke, before I came here.”

So she had been the last stop. It made sense, but Rey still felt a twinge of something like disappointment.

“It’s no wonder you look so exhausted. You should get some sleep. The bed’s not too bad.” He looked up quickly at her and she realized the implication. “I mean, you can stay here and I’ll just, I don’t know, go visit Finn and Jess. I’m assuming Luke isn’t expecting us for training. We can talk when you wake up.”

“Um, I—” He rubbed the back of his neck. Was he speechless for once? Rey almost grinned at the thought of it. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea. I think—” he paused again and shook his head with a look of grim determination. Something felt heavy in her chest all of a sudden, something foreboding. “I need some time before we can be friends again. And this—” he gestured between them. She felt heat in her cheeks, embarrassment and vulnerability making her stomach twist. “This can’t happen.”

The look on Ben’s face was inscrutable, unyielding. In that moment, Rey couldn’t read him at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are approaching the last third of the story. Thank you all so much for sticking with this crazy thing. Your support has been so amazing and I love hearing from you!
> 
> If you're on tumblr, I now blog at [teaguewrites](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/teaguewrites). I'm pretty new to this thing, so come say hi!
> 
> Finally, thanks as always to [Fadelight](http://reylo-spoken-here.tumblr.com/) for her betaing and tumblr tips.


	13. Recovery

They didn’t talk for a few days. Ben made himself scarce, often holing up for hours with Luke or Jessika, sometimes Chewbacca, or otherwise disappearing into the depths of the city. He refused to see his mother at all, according to Poe. Rey felt Ben’s absence acutely. They had once spent the better part of most days together, training, eating, creating their own entertainment when their friends were too busy preparing for battle. Little things would pop up in her mind, a joke that he would appreciate or a sliver of gossip that she had overheard in the hallways, and Rey would reflexively turn to tell Ben—only to see Finn or Poe beside her instead. 

She distracted herself by training alone or helping repair the remaining starfighters and freighters, with Finn assisting as best as he could with only one good arm. The Resistance had moved to a new building with an attached hangar not too far from the courthouse. They followed the First Order trials on the HoloNet, noticing the increasingly dark circles under General Organa’s eyes as she testified against Hux and Phasma. There was rarely any mention of Kylo Ren. That probably shouldn’t have bothered Rey, but it did. It felt wrong to have Kylo erased, like he had never existed at all, the good and bad of him wiped away like footprints after a sandstorm.

Jess stayed away, too, and Rey couldn’t blame her. Finn did talk to Connix a couple of times, enough to know that Jess was healing well but still upset about Ben. Perhaps this was how it was meant to be, two tight-knit but separate groups of three rather than that messy sextet that they had become.

Time passed, and as could be expected, things got better—eventually. By the time Ben sought Rey out, one hundred and ten days after Carrivar, Jess was speaking to Poe and Finn again at least.

He started coming to her at night, too, when the hallways of the living quarters were empty. It reminded her of their trysts on Lasan, before everything went to hell. Except all they ever did was sit side by side on the floor of her room, talking and not touching at all.

* * *

 _“Why do you think you have his memories?” Ben was on the floor of the hangar playing with one of the astromech droids, trying to fix its holoprojector. Rey watched his hands move deftly through the wiring to find a fray._

_“Probably the bond,” she said. He snorted and she rolled her eyes. “Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not true!”_

_“I’ve had a bond with the General since birth. Beat that,” Ben retorted, squinting into the droid’s control panel. It must have passed muster, because he was closing up the droid and turning it back on. “There, how’s that for you?”_

_The R2 unit beeped its gratitude and projected a test recording that Ben had made earlier that day. It was a short holo of Ben, head tilted, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, a look of bemusement on his face as he gazed into the droid’s recording device. Rey couldn’t help but smile at his slight pout. The holo ended and, after another few chirps, the droid rolled off, leaving them alone._

_“Do you think I could access the memories? With your permission, I mean.” He still didn’t look at her, glancing around instead to see if he had misplaced any tools. Rey was grateful for the pretense, because otherwise he would have seen how stricken she had felt in that instant, as if she’d been punched. It took her a minute to school her expression and speak with any measure of calm._

_“Ben, it’s not that I don’t think you deserve to know what Kylo Ren went through, what he did. But I don’t think anyone should experience it like that.”_

_“But you experience it, don’t you?” His eyes flitted to hers briefly before flickering away again._

_“It’s not really the same.” Rey had learned to avoid the memories that she knew to be painful, only searching out specific information that she needed or moments of pleasure, like their time together. “So much of it is just—it was awful, Ben. The things that he was made to do—you don’t need to bear the weight of that.”_

_“And you do?”_

_“I_ don’t _. I know that_ I _didn’t do those things. Could you say the same, if you were to see it?”_

_He didn’t answer her, choosing instead to run a rag over the grease-stained tool cabinet in front of him._

_“If what he did was so terrible, how could you be with him?”_

_Now it was her turn to deflect. Rey ran a hand over the X-Wing she had been working on, feeling the chips in the ferrosphere paint._

_“I wondered that myself, sometimes. But there was good in him, even after everything he had been through.” It wasn’t a lie, but there was a lot she still couldn’t bring herself to say._

* * *

Eventually, Ben and Rey started training together with Luke again. After a few days, they even graduated to sitting at the same table in the cafeteria, all six of them. Stilted small talk dominated meal times, everyone carefully avoiding sensitive topics. It was strange being so close in proximity, yet feeling a million parsecs away. Every time she looked in Ben’s direction, she saw Jessika’s fiercely protective glare and felt a new wave of guilt. 

It was definitely easier to stick with Finn and Poe. Their companionship was so much simpler, uncomplicated. Finn, her first and closest friend, was especially easy to talk to. He didn’t push too much, never wanted more than she could give. But she tried not to infringe on his time with Poe. They deserved to be happy together, without all the drama or the dark cloud of regret that seemed to follow her everywhere. Rey never really thought that her life would ever be so theatrical, but here she was, in the midst of the Skywalker family’s secrets and lies, like one of those trashy holos that Poe devoured in his off-time.

* * *

_“How was Snoke controlling him?” His questions about Kylo always seemed to come out of nowhere. Rey picked at a loose thread coming off of her tunic._

_“Snoke was always saying things in Kylo’s mind. Giving him orders, manipulating his emotions, egging him on. And the trainings—they were really bad. It was like torture, physical and psychological.”_

_Ben became very still and Rey had to resist the urge to touch him. She let her head roll back onto her mattress. The frame of the bed dug into her back._

_“It was like that for me, before,” he finally said, and she didn’t have to ask before what. Before Carrivar, before Dantooine, before Kylo Ren._

_“When did it start?” she asked. He stayed quiet for so long that she thought maybe Ben hadn’t heard her after all. At last, he gave a heavy sigh._

_“I’m not even sure. When I was little, I remember feeling like someone was_ with _me, especially when I was alone. Someone was watching and judging and—just,_ there _. It was this sense of disquiet and wrongness that I could feel in my gut. I used tell my mother I had a stomach ache and she would hold me and it would go away. But then the older I got, the more I felt it. The medical droids couldn’t find anything wrong and I think eventually she just figured I was playing sick for the attention.” He shook his head ruefully. “She was right, in a way.”_

_They lapsed into silence again. Rey chewed on her lower lip, trying to find the words she needed._

_“Did he ever speak to you, before?”_

_Ben drew his legs up to his chest. “Sort of. I didn’t know it at the time. It started when I was around nine. I would get these weird surges of emotion, sometimes, and thoughts that came out of nowhere.” He paled, clearly remembering, and Rey knew exactly what thoughts he was referring to. They had plagued Kylo as well, even on Dagobah. Violent images and threats and insidious little whispers of self-doubt. “I started having nightmares almost every time I went to sleep. After nearly a year of that, I was sent to Uncle Luke.”_

_Rey knew that Luke hadn’t trained him in anything except meditation at first. Ben had spent most of the first few years at a local school. Then something terrible had happened and Luke decided that Ben needed to learn how to gain better control of his Force abilities._

_“It made so much sense, when we all found out about Darth Vader,” he said. The scandal had occurred a few months before his trip to Dantooine. “I spent so many years thinking that I was some kind of anomaly. How could the son of Leia Organa, the nephew of Luke Skywalker, the grandson of Anakin Skywalker turn out like me? Drawn to the Dark Side? But my grandfather had been like me after all. And I was angry that they kept it from me. All that time, I thought I was alone.”_

_She wanted to comfort him and take his hand. He was so close to her, so clearly in pain. But Rey remembered the last time she had reached out toward him, just a few days ago in the cafeteria, and how he had jerked away from her touch, as if revolted. And just yesterday, he had flinched when she reached past him for a training saber. Who could blame him, considering what she had done? So Rey could only clench her fingers into fists._

_“I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t know. If I had known—I am so sorry that we kept the truth from you.”_

_He peeked at her from behind his knees, looking like the lonely little boy he used to be._

_“I know.”_

* * *

She couldn’t really admit it until weeks later, when they had finally gotten back to some semblance of normal for their group of six. It was one-hundred and thirty-two days after Carrivar and she had been on her way to morning training when she overheard a trio of techs walking through the hallway ahead of her. 

“Did you _see_ him? Bad enough he goes around shirtless after hitting the ‘fresher, now his hair is long enough to braid!”

“I bet he does it himself. Have you seen the General’s old holos? Clearly gorgeous hair runs in the family.”

“We totally made eye contact in the cafeteria yesterday and I think he _winked_ at me. I could have _died_!”

Something roiled in her stomach and she had to take an unnecessary left turn to get away from the giggling young women. Ben was already meditating with Luke when she got to the training room. Just as they had said, the top half of his hair was braided into four neat rows, a small bun at the back. Kylo had worn his hair tied back sometimes on Dagobah, but this particular look was new to Rey. Her pulse stuttered in response.

“Saved you a spot,” Ben said, nodding to the empty place next to him. The sunlight made his eyes sparkle and a smile stretched lazily across his face. She felt a heaviness in her chest, crushing her lungs and preventing her from taking a breath.

A crush. That’s what Finn had called it, when he was swooning over Poe Dameron ages ago, before he knew that Poe felt the same way. Rey had a _crush_ on Ben Solo.

* * *

 _“Why was his lightsaber such a mess?” Ben didn’t even look up from his datapad, the blueprint of some new ship that the Corellian Engineering Corporation was building. “I’ve seen better work from children. Hell, I made a better saber when I was fourteen.” He looked a little wistful, like he missed his old blade._

_For once, Rey already knew the answer without having to dip into Kylo’s memories. She’d been curious about it herself. “His crystal cracked, for one thing. And Snoke didn’t let him use any existing schematics. He was supposed to put it together using the Dark Side of the Force, which I don’t think anybody had done since Vader’s time. It was a bit of a rushed job, to be honest. He was in a hurry to challenge the previous master of the Knights of Ren.”_

_He had moved on to a different blueprint, one that caught her attention. “Do you ever think about changing yours?” he asked. Ben tilted the screen toward her and she reached out to scroll through the design._

_“A saberstaff?” It wasn’t as if she hadn’t thought about it before. Ultimately, she had decided to stick with the traditional saber, since that’s what Luke had been training her with on Ahch-To._

_Ben shrugged and took the datapad back. “Just a thought. You look more natural with a staff. Had one on Jakku, didn’t you? Finn said you hit him with it.”_

_She didn’t answer and he didn’t press the issue. It shouldn’t have made her feel warm inside, the idea that he’d remembered such a detail. He remembered a lot of things, after all, always had. Ben used to save her some muffins for breakfast if he got to the mess hall first. And it wasn’t just with her. He had always been thoughtful like that, bringing extras of people’s favorites to the table. Ben would have denied it if asked, would have insisted that it was just a coincidence he had returned with so many meiloorun slices or d’il pyykkles. Even the flint he’d found for BB-8’s lighter had been passed off as a happy accident._

_She was nobody special to him, Rey told herself. He was treating her like he treated all of his friends, because that’s all they were. That’s all they could ever be._  

* * *

 She needed to get ahold of herself. It wasn’t like before, when Rey had been lusting after Ben’s body, although her physical attraction to him was still painfully present. Instead she found herself thinking about the breadth of his fingers, how they had felt on her hips, how they would engulf her own if they ever held hands. Rey was always hyperaware of Ben’s presence now, alternately basking in the warmth of his attention or despondent in the coldness of his indifference. She spent an inordinate amount of time listening for the low rumble of his voice when she was supposed to be paying attention to Poe’s bad puns or Finn’s complaints about Chewbacca cheating at sabacc.

Jessika caught her staring once. They had been gathered around the holoprojector for some kind of variety show that Rey didn’t completely understand, but Ben had grinned widely the entire time, and she found herself unable to take her eyes off him, entranced by the way a laugh transformed his whole face so he looked years younger, the crinkles around his eyes and the deep furrows around his mouth and the little gaps between his teeth making him all the more endearing. But Jess had seen it all, and Rey felt stripped bare in the middle of the rec room. She had to excuse herself, half convinced that the entire floor could hear the pounding of her heart.

* * *

 _“What did you think of me when we first met?” The question tumbled out before she had a chance to overthink it. They were alone in the library. She was supposed to be researching kyber crystals. Ben put down the holobook he was reading and Rey could only hope that her cheeks were not as red as she suspected they might be._

_“I was curious about you. You had the Force, obviously. But I got the sense that you didn’t like me.” He smirked a little at that, as if to soften the blow, and Rey’s traitorous stomach did a somersault. “Why was that, anyway?”_

_She hadn’t meant to open that can of bladderworms. But they had promised not to lie to each other anymore. “It wasn’t really you. I was still upset about Kylo.”_

_He considered her with an expression that she couldn’t decipher. “You blamed me, for not remembering.”_

_Had she? It seemed like so long ago. “I don’t anymore, obviously. But at the time—it just felt so unfair, you know? Kylo and I went through so much together and then it was just—gone.”_

_“You didn’t think I deserved to be here.” How could he be so matter-of-fact about something that had torn her up? Ben’s calm demeanor was rivaling Luke’s, at this point, something Rey never thought she’d see. She tried to tamp down her own emotions._

_“I didn’t think_ I _deserved to be here, Ben.” But there was something fierce in his gaze, some spark._

_“What if there was a way to bring Kylo Ren back?”_

_Her blood ran cold. Surely he couldn’t mean—_

_“Rey, I’ve been reading more about mental manipulation. The fact that you have his memories—I think we could transfer them to me. It might not bring the bond back, not right away. But I think this could work.”_

_Ben moved toward her, almost as if he meant to touch her hand, but then he withdrew just as quickly. For the first time in weeks, Rey was glad for the lack of contact. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it._

_“Why would you want that?” she asked. “Your mother and your uncle—”_

_He let out a frustrated growl. “It’s not their decision, Rey. It’s yours.”_

_“But they are your family. It affects them, too. You need to talk to them about this.”_

_“Fine, I’ll talk to them,” he snapped. “But you have to promise me that you’ll consider it.”_

_As if the ever-diminishing possibility of Kylo’s return hadn’t been on her mind since Carrivar. Of course she would consider it. Rey had already spent months missing Kylo and fervently hoping that he would come back to her._

_“Okay. I promise.”_

* * *

It was evening, one-hundred and forty-seven days after Carrivar. Rey had been trying to avoid Jessika all week, but somehow they ended up sitting side by side at dinner. Jess was perfectly pleasant the entire time, but the moment that Ben left the table to get another serving of dessert, her smile became a little too mischievous. 

“We need to talk. Meet me in my quarters after you finish meditation.” Jess seemed to sense the excuse on the tip of Rey’s tongue. “You can tell the boys that you’re too tired to watch the grav-ball finals.”

And that was how Rey found herself standing in Jessika’s doorway. She could see Connix sitting primly in an armchair at the foot of their bed, her long blonde hair draped over one shoulder. Jess ushered Rey inside.

“Would you like some tea?” Connix offered. Rey glanced at the tumbler of amber liquid in Jessika’s hand. “Or whiskey, I guess. Jess already got started.” Rey declined with a shake of her head.

“Let’s get straight to the point then,” Jess said bluntly. “We know you and Ben slept together on Lasan.”

“What?” Rey sputtered. “He told you?”

“He didn’t have to,” Connix replied, with a hint of apology.

“You two were a lot less subtle than you thought you were.” Jess grinned at her, but it quickly faded. Her soft brown eyes turned serious. “Ben told us about the whole Kylo Ren mess.”

Rey looked away. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. The General—”

“Look, you don’t have to explain yourself to us. That’s not what this is about.” But the pinched look on Jessika’s face seemed to say differently. “I mean, yeah, it would have been nice if you’d trusted him enough to tell him the truth, but what’s done is done.” Jess regarded Rey carefully and, with surprisingly soft hands, led her to a small sofa across from where Connix was sitting. “You clearly care about Ben a great deal, but I have to ask. Is it him that you have feelings for, or is it the person that he used to be?”

“What?” Rey hadn’t been prepared for this line of questioning at all. Shakily, she lowered herself into the seat that Jess had offered. Her eyes darted between the two women, trying to understand, and it took a minute for Rey to find her voice again. “They’re so different, Jess. I could never confuse one for the other.”

Jess and Connix exchanged a look.

“Of course they’re different,” Connix said sympathetically. “That’s kind of the problem.”

Jess sank down next to Rey and took her hand. “Ben’s going to kill us for telling you this, but we think you need to know.” She took a breath, as if to steady herself. “He’s crazy about you, Rey. He has been ever since you two first met.”

Rey would never forget the feeling that welled up in her chest at that moment. A heady mix of wonder and affection and pure joy, it flooded her entire body, rushed to her head, pricked her eyes until she had to blink back tears of relief.

“Even now? After all this time? How can he—but he said—” Rey’s mind was reeling. “But he was so indifferent to me, before all this. I had to practically throw myself at him.”

“The kid has a serious self-esteem problem,” Jess explained, rolling her eyes. “He’s not the best with social cues either. It was pretty obvious to everyone else that you liked each other. We even had a pool going.”

“What?” Rey looked at her sharply, but Jess just waved her hand in dismissal.

“That’s not important. The thing is that Ben is convinced he doesn’t have a chance with you because you’re still in love with Kylo Ren. The whole memory transfer thing—I think he’s pursuing it because he thinks that’s what _you_ want.” Jess put her hand on Rey’s shoulder. “Is it?”

A few months ago, there would have been no question. She had missed Kylo so desperately then, and Ben had only been a stranger with a familiar face. But now, Ben was a real person to her, completely independent of Kylo Ren. He was a friend, a partner, and perhaps even someone she could fall in love with. He was entrenched in her life, in all of their lives. She knew her answer.

“No, it’s not.” Jess and Connix beamed. Rey felt her own lips curling as well. “I want Ben the way he is.”

Jess hugged her tightly, catching Rey by surprise. “Thank you! Kay and I were a little worried, but I knew you’d come through.” She pulled back, eyes shining. “Rey, this is great. We didn’t want to lose him either.”

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” Rey promised. She felt so light, as if an immense burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Only a small tendril of anxiety remained at the prospect of baring her heart to someone she had so recently wronged. “I’m going to tell Ben how I feel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, thank you to EVERYONE who has read, commented, bookmarked, left kudos, etc!! This chapter was tough to write, so I really appreciate your patience while I got it together. Y'all are amazing.
> 
> Big props to my beta [Fadelight](http://reylo-spoken-here.tumblr.com/), who is way too good to me. You are truly the best. Thanks also to [Satan](https://satan-in-purple.tumblr.com/) (never thought I'd be saying that with a straight face) for being such a great cheerleader and for helping me feel so welcome.
> 
> Check out my [tumblr](http://teaguewrites.tumblr.com/) for bonus content, including [fic inspiration](http://teaguewrites.tumblr.com/tagged/from-the-ashes-inspo), [outtakes](http://teaguewrites.tumblr.com/tagged/from-the-ashes-outtake), and more! Let's be friends!


	14. Restoration

The moment Rey left the Jess and Connix’s room, she was hit by an overwhelming sense of panic. Nothing in her entire life could have prepared her for this moment, not the years on Jakku, nor the trainings with Luke, nor even her brief time with Kylo. To discuss her feelings with Ben, to make herself vulnerable to him, to admit the depths of her fears and desires, she had no idea how to even begin.

She found herself heading to Luke’s quarters rather than her own bunk. He answered the door almost immediately, having likely sensed her presence even before her quiet knock.

“You’re here about Ben,” he said, and Rey wondered if Master Luke would ever stop catching her off guard.

“Yes. Has he spoken to you about receiving Kylo’s memories?” Luke nodded, his face carefully neutral. She frowned. “You don’t approve of this plan, do you?”

“It’s not about what I want, Rey. His mother and I have meddled enough in Ben’s life.”

“But if you could choose—“

“We would spare him Kylo Ren’s anguish. You and I both know just how much he suffered, because of what he had to do. It broke him apart. But we must respect Ben’s wishes.” His blue eyes bore deeply into her hazel ones and Rey imagined that he could see all her secrets. “And yours, too.”

“You have to know that I didn’t encourage this, Master Luke.” She couldn’t stop the waver in her voice. “I would never do that to you and General Organa.”

He put his hands on her shoulders and Rey felt some of the tension leave her body at his fond smile. “We know. But this decision is not about me or Leia, despite how strongly we may feel about it. This is between you and Ben. Speak to him honestly, hear his words, and let the Force guide you.”

She let out a deep breath. “Would you give us the morning to talk it over?”

“Of course, Rey. Take all the time you need.” 

* * *

Even after the conversation with Luke, Rey’s nerves were still taut and ready to snap at any second. She barged into Finn and Poe’s room with barely any warning.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I _really_ need to talk,” she announced. Her two friends sprang away from each other, both shirtless and rather disheveled. They gaped at her. Rey felt slightly sheepish having acted so rashly, but the strange and almost painful fluttering in her stomach wouldn’t subside. She threw Finn and Poe their discarded clothing, averting her eyes as belts were buckled and garments adjusted.

“We need to remember to lock the door,” Poe grumbled. Finn looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

“Oh please, you two were in the midst of _way_ more action during Snap’s birthday party.” Rey smirked as her best friend seemed to get even more flustered, but his boyfriend just grinned back cockily.

“That was a pretty good—”

“Rey, didn’t you need to talk about something?” Finn interjected, glaring at Poe. She felt her mood dampen.

“Ugh, yes I do.” She flopped down on their bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her friends exchanged a glance and sat on either side of her. “I have to talk with Ben tomorrow. He—we—I have feelings for him.” This rushed statement was met with blank looks. “And apparently he likes me, too, but he thinks I’m in love with Kylo.” Suddenly neither of them was meeting her eye. Rey propped herself up on her elbows. “What a minute—you both _knew_?”

“I _told_ you we should have said something,” Poe muttered.

“ _Really_ not helping,” Finn mumbled back.

“You realize I can hear you right now?” She sat up, becoming more agitated by the minute. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Poe raised an eyebrow at his partner, who just looked pained. “It wasn’t exactly the most straightforward situation. I like Ben fine, but I really can’t say the same about Kylo Ren. Not after everything I’ve seen him do. Jakku, Takodana, Starkiller. He hurt you, Rey, not to mention me and Poe.  He killed his own father. I know he saved your life with Snoke and I know that you and Luke trusted him before he died, but there’s just no way I can talk to you objectively about this.“

“So you’re on Team Ben?”

Finn drew her hands into his own. The days when she flinched away from his touch were long past. “I’m on Team Rey. I want you to be happy and I don’t want you to feel like you owe Ben anything just because he resembles someone who sacrificed a lot for you or because he looks at you like you hung all the moons in the system. I wouldn’t want you to compromise for anybody.” She buried her head into Finn’s shoulder, embarrassed by the sincerity behind his words. “I remember how devastated you were after Operation Daybreak on Carrivar. I know how much Ren meant to you, even if I hated him. I also see you around Ben, and I know you care about him, too. But obviously there’s a mountain of crazy baggage there. You hadn’t told me how you felt, so I figured you needed time to work through it.”

Rey wrapped her arms around her friend, feeling like the luckiest person in all of Eufornis Major. “You’re amazing, Finn. I don’t know what I would do without you.” She wiped her eyes before drawing away. “Ben really looks at me like that?”

Finn rolled his eyes good-naturedly. Behind her, Poe laughed. “I haven’t seen Ben this head over heels for someone in all the time I’ve known him. And this is the guy who nursed a crush on his mother’s assistant for half a decade, back when we were kids.”

Something about that made Rey immeasurably sad, to think that Kylo had once been a child with such an unguarded heart, only to have become so hardened by Snoke’s poison that he could kill the man who loved him more than anything. There was still some of that child left in Ben. She would do all that she could to protect him.

* * *

On the one-hundred and forty-eighth day after Carrivar, Rey woke up earlier than usual. She could see the coming of a pink dawn, hear the gentle hum of skylane traffifc, and sense the stirrings of millions of people all around the city-planet. More acutely, she felt her heart beating fiercely in her chest, each thump a confession.

Ben was surprised to hear her knock on his door. His linen pajamas hung low on his hips as he ushered her inside, hair rumpled yet still somehow perfect.

“I brought muffins,” she said, and he frowned down at her meager offering.

“Rey, we have plenty of time to hit the cafeteria before we train. What’s going on?”

She set their breakfast down on his nightstand. There was no use in delaying the inevitable. “We’re not training. We’re going to finish this business with Kylo’s memories.”

“I assume you talked to Uncle Luke, then?” She gave a nod in affirmation. “So you know that he and Mother are staying out of this.” Another nod. “We’re doing it, then?”

Rey looked at him hard, trying to find the motivations that everyone else seemed to see there. “Why do you want this?”

Ben’s hopeful grin slid off his face slowly. “I’m doing what’s right.”

“Right for whom, exactly?”

“For everyone.” His eyes were suddenly everywhere except on hers.

“And does it matter how this might affect other people?”

He stared at the floor, jaw tight. “Didn’t we agree that it’s our decision, not other people’s?”

“And what if I don’t want to do it? What if I do want to lose the Ben Solo that I know?”

“Then you’re lying,” Ben snarled. He was glaring at her now, so incensed that he didn’t even try to hide it. “Don’t do that to me, Rey. Don’t make me your consolation prize just because you’re afraid it won’t work.” His ferocity startled her and he immediately softened. “Please, let yourself be selfish for once in your life.”

She reached for him, circling his wrist even as he tried to step away from her. “I’ve been selfish this whole time, you idiot. And scared of what’s been right in front of me all along.”

“Stop. You’re just telling me what I want to hear.” He broke free of her and backed away, trying to put distance between their bodies, but she wouldn’t let him. Rey advanced, until he was just half an arm’s length away.

“Let me finish.” She fisted a hand in Ben’s shirt, to keep him with her. “Yes, it’s been hard, and I miss him every day.  That doesn’t take away from what I feel for you. I’ve tried so hard to deny it, because it did feel like a betrayal at first. But Kylo isn’t here. You are. You’ve been here for me and for our friends and for your family. I’ve seen your bravery, your kindness, your loyalty. I’ve seen your passion and your strength and even your silliness—and I want it all, Ben. I want to be with _you_.”

“Rey…”

“If you truly want Kylo’s memories, I’ll give them to you. But don’t do it for me. Don’t put that on me. You have a choice right now, of who you want to be. What you want to remember. I’ll be here for you no matter what you decide. We all will, Ben.”

The tears in his eyes mirrored her own, although she tried to smile through them. Tentatively, Rey reached her free hand out to caress his cheek. The way he relaxed into her touch made her heart leap in her chest. He was so dear to her, this overgrown boy, this young man of darkness and light. It would be so easy to fall in love with him.

Ben swallowed hard and the roll of his throat drew her gaze to the column of neck that she had once lavished with her tongue.

“I want to do what’s right,” he whispered, voice rough. “I want to be strong and give the galaxy justice. But I don’t know if I can. I don’t want to be him. I don’t want to give the Voice any more of my life.” Her hatred of Snoke flared, he who had tormented Kylo so much longer than he had Ben, who still held that power even as a specter. “You made him disappear. When I opened my eyes on Carrivar, you were there and the Voice was gone and it felt like I could breathe again. You’ve done so much for me, Rey. I just want to do right by you.”

“Then let me be with you.” His skin was warm against her palm and she let her other hand come up to cradle his face. Coal-dark eyelashes hid the warm brown eyes that Rey longed to lose herself in. “Just like this.”

He pulled her close, head tilting, his mouth slanted to fit perfectly against her own. A chaste kiss, yet it tugged on something deep inside of her, the rightness of being connected to him, lip to lip. Ben rested his forehead on hers, gentle fingers sliding through loose strands of hair.

“Just like this,” he agreed. And the Force around them hummed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your author humbly begs for your forgiveness because she has no good excuse for the long bloody wait for this chapter. But on the bright side, I have definitely not abandoned it and THE END IS FUCKING NIGH! Just three more chapters and maybe an epilogue if we're all still here for it.
> 
> Thanks especially to my dear readers for being so patient, to my darling beta [Fadelight](http://reylo-spoken-here.tumblr.com/), and to lovely [Satan](http://satan-in-purple.tumblr.com/) aka the best damn cheerleader.
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://teaguewrites.tumblr.com/), too! Always looking for more fandom friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted on FF.net. I am trash for comments/kudos/bookmarks. Concrit also welcome.


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